#29 Dude, Where’s Hal Sparks?

Announcer 0:00

Looking to sound like you know what's going on in the world social strategy, comedy and other funny stuff? Well join the club and settle in for the Jeff Dwoskin show. It's not the podcast we deserve. But the podcast we all need with your host, Jeff Dwoskin.

Jeff Dwoskin 0:17

All right. Thank you so much for that amazing introduction. You get the show going every week. Ah, this week is no exception. Welcome, everyone to Episode 29 of the Jeff Dwoskin show. This is Jeff Dwoskin. People are listening to the podcast and they're sending me direct messages. They're like, Oh my God, I've been saying your name wrong the whole time. And then they say it and I'm like, wait, no, that's not what it is. It's Dwoskin Dwoskin the Jeff Dwoskin john doe. I get a little animated. I even say my own last name wrong. It's crazy. Dwoskin Dwoskin. I heard it that time Dwoskin, there's no duh just Dwoskin All right, there we go.

Welcome to Episode 29. And Episode 29 is gonna be amazing. We have house sparks. That's right. The hell sparks is with us this week. great conversation coming up in just a little bit. First one a recap from last week we had an amazing discussion. Well, I talked you listen about Die Hard whether it's a Christmas movie or not. But we moved that monologue to Twitter and made it a dialogue. That's right. I put up a Twitter poll at @JeffDwoskinShow and hundreds upon hundreds of hundreds of people answered the poll they came they weighed in is Die Hard a Christmas movie or not? That's right.

And here are the results that everyone's been waiting for. This is the de facto when people Google is Die Hard, a Christmas movie, this episode will come up and the fans have spoken 74% of my fan said absolutely Die Hard is totally a Christmas movie, though. 20% said not a Christmas movie. We have to respect their opinions. They have a different opinion than us. Maybe they were watching Die Hard 2 by accident. And they thought Oh, this is not a Christmas movie. But okay, so for some reason 6% thought it was a Hanukkah movie. Well, hey, you know what? I will give it to them. It could have been a Hanukkah movie. They there may have been a menorah in the background of one of the Christmas party scenes. We don't know we'd have to go back and investigate. Anyway. So that's the answer. The answer is 74% of the fans of the Jeff Dwoskin show have officially pronounced Die Hard a Christmas movie. No more discussion. Let's move on.

And move on. We shall to this week's sponsor. This week's sponsor is bubble wrap jumpsuits. Do you want aliens to think you're cool? Well, then you need the latest in bubble wrap jumpsuits. That's right now clear head to toe. Now with elastic waistband and detachable hood. You can't even imagine how good you look traveling through space in your brand new bubble wrap jumpsuit. That's right. It doesn't matter that people don't believe you that you can hear aliens talking to you. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you're ready when the aliens come and take you aboard their ship. And now you'll be the most ready in the block with your bubble wrap jumpsuit available at Amazon flight.com. That's right. amazon.com get your bubble wrap jumpsuits now no more being laughed at no more being mocked. It shows you your bubble wrap jumpsuit and your new best friend aliens. All right, well, definitely check out the sponsor. I've seen the bubble wrap jumpsuits and they're pretty hot. They're pretty high. You should get one everyone should get one. You never know when you're gonna need to be traveling through space. All right, support the sponsors. They're the who keep the lights on. That's how we keep the Jeff Dwoskin show going week after week after week after week. All right, check that out.

Okay, so I want to tell you this really funny story that happened to my wife and I just the other day. [PHONE RINGING] Oh my god, what is God? Oh, hang on.

Allegedly Donald Trump 3:59

Hello is this Fox News?

Jeff Dwoskin 4:02

No, this is the Jeff Dwoskin show is Jeff. Sean. JOHN.

Allegedly Donald Trump 4:08

Are you playing game Sean-y pooh?

Jeff Dwoskin 4:12

I am not sean hannity. That's for sure.

Allegedly Donald Trump 4:16

Okay, well, ok, you'll do. I am excited. You know, four more years. Four more years. Let's hear the cheers.

Jeff Dwoskin 4:24

I don't think you won this election.

Allegedly Donald Trump 4:28

If you just count the legal votes, you know, I won okay. Like, I'm the only one that got legal votes. Only dead people voted for that sleepy Joe. I talked to a few of them. And they they confirmed it. You know, I asked him I said hey, dead people, are you dead? And he said yes. And I said, Are you sure? And I said yes, you can. It's fraud. It is so much fraud.

Jeff Dwoskin 4:51

I don't think your lawyers are able to find any proof at all. No proof.

Allegedly Donald Trump 4:57

There's proof and some are saying that proof is in the pudding. The proof is in the pudding, and I just need to find the pudding. Giuliani's looking for the pudding. We thought it was running down in space. We were like Giuli, look, you can't wear masks any puddings, it's gonna go in the shadow of your face. But then they said they don't make black pudding. And as a black pudding. That sounds like an explanation film from the 70s I would not watch it. Okay. Even though I'm the least racist person in the room. I still don't eat chocolate pudding. We have everyone looking for the pudding. And once I find that pudding i'll eat that pudding but I'm not gonna eat the proof. Okay, I would not make the same mistake twice. Hillary's emails. At the proof. Get really excited. Really good, pudding. Oh, I had that's my tum tum. Now I'm getting hungry. Good thing I don't wear masks because I get pudding on it.... tapioca.

Jeff Dwoskin 5:56

Oh my god. Okay, I think why I think we lost him. He disconnected But okay, well, that was interesting. You never know who's gonna call the Jeff Dwoskin show. . Well, hey, uh, hopefully he can find the proof and the pudding. It sounded delicious. Also sounds like I'm gonna have to change my phone number. Again, people just keep calling the Jeff Dwoskin show. What can you do when you're burning up the charts like us? Speaking of charts, have you told your friends to listen to the Jeff Dwoskin show? I know you're listening. I know you're loving it. Have you gone to Apple podcasts? Google podcasts, Spotify. amazon music. subscribed? have you subscribed? if you like if you shared an episode with a friend lately? Well do it. Also follow us on Twitter and Instagram @JeffDwoskinShow. also go to our website jeffis funny.com. Sign up for the mailing list. I need you on the mailing list. I'm starting to send out awesome emails. And I want you to get one. Yeah, that's right. I want you to get one. You're sitting at home right now go on me. And I'm like, yeah, you. Alright, well, that's cool. All right. Sounds good.

And now it's time for the social media to this week. It's an easy one. I'm telling you. You got to check out fleets on Twitter. I'm loving it. What's fleets on Twitter? It's basically Instagram stories. Wait, wasn't Instagram stories just Basically Snapchat stories? Yes. Wait, wasn't Instagram stories just copied by Facebook stories? Yes. Wait, didn't LinkedIn recently create a stories too? Yes, but now Twitter has one also. And it's called fleets fleeting moments. It's a very clever name for something that existed for a very long time. But I'm loving it. I'm just throwing up my fleets and I'm getting lots of extra views actually on it's pretty cool. I definitely suggest checking out you can fleet a tweet, and then you can click on that tweet and it takes you to that tweet, check it out. It's a great extra way to kind of push some messages and then it just disappears in 24 hours. So if you're like, where'd that go? He's like, don't worry about it. Oh, I didn't mean to say that. Don't worry about it. It's all gone. It was a fleeting moment. Get it fleeting. Ah, and that's the social media tip.

and now ladies and gentlemen. It's my honor to share my conversation with Hal Sparks.

All right, everybody got a special guest crazy times, crazy guest we got UFO cult Zoltan with us today. How are you doing, sir?

Hal Sparks 8:15

I'm fantastic. And I just want to say that I was right the whole time. Most of what you're seeing most people believe this to be an infection. We know it to be an invasion. There's absolutely I have proof. We've been intercepting Interstellar transmissions for years. We know exactly what's going on. Alex Jones is an idiot. We have the documents. I'm just saying. Ouch.

Jeff Dwoskin 8:38

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Hal Sparks Hello. Right. Welcome.

Hal Sparks 8:43

Thanks. My pleasure. Absolutely. This is a you know, it, I have to say there's a strange effect this sort of friendships and bridges that are being built through COVID that kind of don't know what you got till it's gone if I can quote Cinderella right out of the gate aspect of people sort of reaffirming like hey, yeah, I like that guy. Yeah, let's talk whereas you know, in in la culture and and even New York culture and quite frankly, Tennessee, you know, Nashville culture at this rate. There's a lot of Yeah, I'll get around to Yeah, let's get together. And now that we all know, you can't there's a renewed kind of like, I should really mean that when I say it.

Jeff Dwoskin 9:26

It's good. We've we've been Twitter, Twitter friends for a little bit. And yeah, I will say one of the highlights of my comedy life is when you're here locally in 2015. At Mark Ridley's comedy castle, and I came to see the show. And the comics came out from the green room. And I think somehow My name would come up and you would I'm paraphrasing cuz I don't remember exactly. And they're like, Oh, yeah, I was like, Yeah, I know. Jeff Dwoskin or something. Yeah. Yeah. And like, I just looked at him. I'm like, Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Um, but anyway, I'm like, this is the greatest moment.

Hal Sparks 10:00

Super weird. Yeah. Well, you know, we that that feeling never goes away. There's a version of starstruck. And then there's a like, That's awesome, which is very different. And I think a lot more modern than, you know, old fashioned. You're like, Oh my God, that's Cary Grant. There's an IT. You know, I had the same feeling when I was at a radio station, Paul Stanley was going to be on the radio after me. And I thought it was a call in interview. And as I was walking out of the studio, I was like, oh, I'll listen in the car. That's awesome. They could nobody's coming in. It's coming into the house, I go into the building. And they went, yeah, and I went, Okay, I'm not going anywhere. And so I'm trying to like loiter by this shitty current machine that they have near the studio like, they love but, and he comes down a totally different hallway than I was looking. I was expecting him to come from the right and he came from the left. And I hear, hey, Hal like that. from Paul Stanley.

Jeff Dwoskin 10:55

That's amazing.

Hal Sparks 10:56

Paul, from Paul Stanley, you have to understand Paul's down. Like I met Paul Stanley when I was 10 years old dressed as him at a kiss concert that we had backstage passes to long story, because of my mom, and my dad, where they worked and, and the like, I've been a kiss fan. since I was five, I bought my first kiss album when I was at a flea market in friendship, Indiana, with all my money. And to have those moments or whatever and, and I mean, he couldn't have been more gracious and more awesome. He's an incredible human being and I ran and one of my favorite quotes that was like, inspired me my entire working life was in kiss. I think it wasn't kiss exposed, is like kiss undercover or whatever is like one of those compilation things they used to do when they'd want to repurpose music videos, artists would put out their own like behind the scenes, and then thread them through the narrative, whatever. And they did this video of Paul, and he's on a tour bus. And he's got headphones on everybody else's milling around, and the camera comes over. And he's just like writing in a notepad and it's got headphones on and they go who you who you listen to Paul, and he goes, I'm listening to my favorite singer, songwriter. And they go, who's that? And he goes, me. And I was like, I don't think I could have loved you more. But I can.

Jeff Dwoskin 12:11

It's so funny.

Hal Sparks 12:14

That's how it has to be. You got to be your best you have to be your biggest fan. Otherwise, what are you doing? You know what I mean? Like, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing with your art? What do you if you can't inspire yourself with your own work? What are you doing?

Jeff Dwoskin 12:27

No, I hear Yeah, I have a hard time re listening to things that I do. A lot of the times when I redo it when I do the podcast, like the first five minutes is kind of like, I just I do it, you know, I kind of prep it, and I just do it. And I was interviewing someone, and she started saying stuff to me. And I'm thinking to myself, because I have no recollection. Like when I it's kind of like when I step off stage, if you're doing comedy, or if you ask me, which jokes did you do? I couldn't tell you, you know, I mean, it just, it just happened, right? And so just start saying these things. And all of a sudden, I'm like panicking. I'm like, do you think you're on a different show? And like, in the back of my head later, I when I listen, I'm like, Oh, I did talk all about that. And I was like, She's like, you were on a cruise with your family. And I'm like, and I got so confused. And I was

Hal Sparks 13:07

Yeah, like, did I Yeah, well, I can, you know, I have similar situations when you meet people. And, and I've, I read an article years ago, about fame and dealing with just interacting with human beings and that they did this study and that worldwide, the average person, you know, from, you know, from Nairobi to Canada, the average person meets 9000 people, shakes hands can and exchanges names over the course of their entire life. So over the course of their regular life, they know This is Sam Oh, hey, Sam, nice to meet you that and only a few of those go past that point. But over the whole course they're like 9000. That's the max, the average local news anchor in the country at like in Lexington, Kentucky, or Memphis, Tennessee, or Louisiana meets 16,000 people a year that way. 16,000 people almost double what most people meet in their whole life, then you graduate that up to nationwide fame, meet and greets, signings, like all the stuff that comes from being on a television show, and much less being on an on two television shows, or three television shows. There's a reason why after a while, actors and musicians, you know, especially rock stars to do meet and greets these days. Because even the big bands are are not going to get rid of that money. They're not gonna leave that money on the table. This is a reason you get dizzy late in life where you're like, Where do I have to be? Where were the Who the hell am I standing in front of what where's this? Hello, Cleveland. You know, there's an it makes total sense because your hard drive is friggin full.

Jeff Dwoskin 14:55

It's funny. Well, it's funny you say that because I find myself endearing myself to people. I can remember my name. And then I got to be honest, I'm horrible at it. I'm really horrible. And especially as I get older, I could just get I get worse and worse. But I mean, it was a restaurant I used to go in second time we walked in, maybe we'd walk in there like Jeff, Robin has my wife. Yeah, yeah. Like, and I come on here all the time. Right. I'm like, you can't get that anywhere else. You know, it's like, I remember the first time I ordered something, and they remembered my order from last time. Right? It makes you feel good.

Hal Sparks 15:24

Yeah. Well, you know, I've tried over the years several techniques to remember certain people's names. And the problem, the worst part is the same name over and over the number of, you know, John's Mike's Claire's Angela's leases, you know, Nina's that I have known over the course of my life is up into the number of people that again, a regular person meets in their whole life. And, you know, when you work with a, like, on, I've noticed this, shift it over. But Season Two of queers folk, we put up a board that had all the cruise pictures and names under their faces, because your bum rush meeting 50 new people that you're going to be working with all year, but you're only going to see them, you know, marginally and you're going to be totally focused you and the director, you in the scene, you're still in character, you've got to run from this scene to that scene, it might not be the in house crew with the outside, you know, the road crew. So the sound person may always be the same, but they may not. And you feel like a complete asshole. Not saying hi, Sam. Hi, Claire, hi, you know, Gina or whatever, when you go in, and you're like, literally just flustered with the volume of humans you're interacting with, don't even get me started on like, background and extras. Who all you know, bless their hearts. Think after the third show, you should know their names when they never introduce themselves to you. You wouldn't know their names. And they only know yours because it's on a marquee or something. And they wouldn't know if they'd met you at a mall, you know, or in a movie theater. So that's, it's a strange world to be in. And I have a lot more sympathy for the curious behaviors of the famous than I used to when I was a kid, you know, and I'm even more amazed at the people who do it. Well, politicians who are like, hey, john, what's going on out like, when al gore met me the second time and he was like, Hey, how you doing? I was like, I knew I was on a television show. I wasn't you know, at that point, I've been talking to an queer spoke. I've done every AIDS Walk in the country twice. He'd been at three of them. But I was still like, I right. Oh, shit, right. Okay. Yeah. Hi.

Jeff Dwoskin 17:38

It's not cool, though. It's still cool. It's

Hal Sparks 17:40

totally cool. It's absolutely cool. And that's why I work hard at trying to do it. And if I don't remember someone's name, I'm getting better at going. I have 1000 names in my head. What's yours? Because I'm right now I'm trying to grasp what your name is. And I apologize, but it's driving me crazy. And then I you know, and then I like thank you say it again, that the second whenever that happens, if you go through the emotionally awkward thing of remembering somebody's name or making the effort to do so then it seeds their name and you a little better than if you just went you almost have an avoidance behavior to learning their name. After that you're like you almost get mad at having to, you know, it's a weird thing like that. Look, every time we come in here, this guy in the store says hi, and I don't know his name, and he never said it and got debt. You know what I don't know, I don't want to know his name at this point. Screw you. You know, this is like this psychological impact that comes from it. And if you can be aware of that, you can shed it a lot easier. I think mortal words of Dirty Harry man's got to know his limitations.

Jeff Dwoskin 18:46

And it's helped me a lot. It's it's hard. I wish there was a bit I would do on stage right? It's as good as someone's name. And then people love when you can call their names back later and stuff like that. But I'd have to like it. Repeat it back to them maybe twice just to get it back, get into my head. And anytime It was like a weird name. And by weird, I mean, just one that I wasn't familiar with. I'm just like, Oh crap, because yeah, those are even harder to remember.

Hal Sparks 19:11

See, those are the opposite. Those are way easier for me because I don't look at their face and think I you know, am I of course it's Parma Honza Yogananda like Why can I not you know, I'm not gonna look at any other person in this place and think, is that the Parma Honza Yogananda or a Parramatta Yogananda you know, so there's that helps actually tremendously if it's, if it's Pete, and I'm like, crisis nine Pete's in here. There has to be Did you say Pete? Or it? Is that the last show? That's worse when it's a more common name? At least you can tack on with that.

Jeff Dwoskin 19:42

There you go. The two sides of the same coin Jeff and Hal

Hal Sparks 19:46

Absolutely. That's right. Right. There's always that option, turn you know what you know, it's that turn your weakness into a strength aspect. That is easily salvageable in those situations. You're like, okay. In many ways, I get good at stuff. When I make it more of a problem than it is, it's one of the tricks I use. I paint myself into a corner where it sucks to not be able to do that thing. Because the worst thing I can do is be actually fairly good at something right out of the gate, because that'll make me lazy as shit. I have to make something like really challenging or I won't do it like writing stand up. I do a an hour at flappers every month, no prep, zero material, I have to or I won't sit down and come up with new stuff. It's too late. I'll take that show. I'll improv a whole hour out of that hour. I'll walk away with 45 minutes of solid material each show once a month. And if I sat down and tried to do a session of writing every other day, like it was, you know, like I was a novel writer, it just wouldn't work.

Jeff Dwoskin 20:58

Did you start as an improv comic? You? Were you trained at second city? Yes. Mm hmm.

Hal Sparks 21:03

Yeah. Well, those were different improv, I kept those separate for a very long time. Because I'm a, you know, I come from the Carlin school that people deserve to see a written show. And I can't gamble on whether or not the show is going to be good or not. That was the rule for a very long time for me. But after a while, I had to, I became so easy. And my shows became so safe, because I could write I mean, I have three hours of material for every hour, I'm on stage. And I know this, and the only variants in the show would be which pieces I'm pulling, because I would go from the audience, I wouldn't, if I was trapped in a piece wasn't working for this crowd, instead of pulling a piece out and saying, Oh, this doesn't work, I would just go it just doesn't work here. And then I would grab another piece and go, maybe this will work and then I'll get them back on track with this. So I do a little bit of like box editing. I'm not free balling it in front of a live audience for them, you know, with no crafted stuff in this hour. It's incredibly Sorry, I have to mute my I get little notifications when people subscribe to my channels and stuff. So you might hear a little music or a blurb or a jingle. Because I am totally automated. You know and all this stuff. Which reminds me I have to shut that off for later because I am shooting sketches for the sexy lip the next sexy liberal show right after we finish this. So that's and that's in and of itself become its own monster.

Jeff Dwoskin 22:30

The sexy liberal show.

Hal Sparks 22:31

Yeah, it's uh, you know, we did a live leading up into 2015/16. The sexy liberal comedy tour was the highest grossing tour in the country. It was me john fugle sang Stephanie Miller and then a rotating cast of other folks that would join us like for Frangela, Aisha Tyler, Margret Cho replaced me on one show I couldn't do because I was filming there were, you know, sold out the Chicago theater like big, big venues, it was great. Then I was last year, I was like, Guys, it's the last year of the Trump presidency, we really got to get back on the horse and do something about this. We can't leave any weapons on the field. And so we did and we started booking these things to get back to that point. And lo and behold, COVID hit. And so I presented everybody, why don't we do a virtual version. And then, you know, initially it was like, do we do you know, just stand up, you know, and everybody shoots their own piece at home, and we slice together into a live stand up show, but I felt, you know, my stand up is so spectacular, that watching it against a green screen isn't quite as good as being in person. So I started turning it into a more of a sketch show, which means a lot more shooting and a lot more editing and a lot more production on a what is largely a topical comedy set. You know, I can shoot a little bit ahead of time. But the news cycle that used to be three days to a week is now 12 hours, if not six, you can come up with a bit and it's dead by the evening. Because Because everybody's moved on. And if you're shooting stuff and getting in character and filming things like we're doing a Supreme Court sketch, let me see if I can, I'll move my camera around. See that over my right shoulder. That's a it's my that'll be my Supreme Court down after we finish today as I'm playing Brett Kavanaugh on a sketch. So yeah, so there is a there's work to be done, even in this circumstance. And I think comedy becomes even more. The more severe and scary things are the more valuable comedy is because literally, you know, comedy and music are your best bets at lifting spirits. And comedy is always that there is no sorrow comedy. There are sad songs. And so with when it comes to getting through something, I'm just sharing and saying that had I been a member of the Donner party. We would have avoided carrying whatever. No, I think it was the last That carried the desk for 100 miles or something where, you know, we would have laughed a little better and gone back to the original path. Like, guys, I know, I know you're convinced this is the way but the path is back that way. And I know Gary, we're all following Gary again, knock it off. Let me tell you some about Gary. I know we all shift away from Camp, except Gary. And now Gary, who doesn't shift away from Camp once us to go on this path. I'm just let's all take a moment. Jolly. Okay, back that way. And I'm beginning to think that the leadline cans are a bad idea. But that's just me big Come on. And there's an element where that's incredibly valuable right now. So you can't as a comic give up in these moments, you got to find a way to perform and get it out there.

Jeff Dwoskin 25:43

That's great. So you you clearly like to meld the the improv with the comedy. I mean, it's this journey you'd want to do the sketches. It's definitely definitely doable. That's, that's really awesome.

Hal Sparks 25:53

Yeah, the sketch part is the greatest way to do it, because you can have some written bits, and then you can kind of funnel them together and keep it live. And like I said, being able to improv is incredibly meaningful when the news cycle is so flash fast. And I don't expect it even after Trump leaves to change that much that, you know, we are in a media world right now. And everybody is jockeying for the number one story. And as that happens more and more between social media and traditional media, they're going to be punching each other in the face trying to make you follow the next white Bronco or apartment building fire. And that because that's the job. That's what sells toilet paper.

Jeff Dwoskin 26:34

So the the fight for truth, what is what is truth and facts even mean? And sure,

Hal Sparks 26:39

although I think that will fade to some degree. I think the latching on to artificial, like the fake news idea will go, it will genuinely be a fad. It was a fad under Nixon, it will it's louder now. But it'll go because it doesn't work as well. You know, I mean, it doesn't sell as much it doesn't. The people are are now getting hip and the way that people haven't, you know, shifted to being hip since cable reached the Heartland. there's a there's a definite when you got Doctor Who fans in Wichita, Kansas, they're, you know, and there's enough of them that they can have their own mini convention, there's a shift in media that occurred, you know what I mean? And as that shift continues, and is life gets, quite frankly, easier, mechanically, meaning better phones, better computers, better contact, better shopping experiences, more robotics, more, you know, all that stuff, which is coming over the next 1015 years. As that increases, entertainment and diversion becomes more important, not less. And so you're gonna see a you know, a growth in that like the hips, the hip to everything pop culture movement will be worldwide,

Jeff Dwoskin 27:54

looking forward to it looking forward to the shift, looking forward to January 2021.

Hal Sparks 28:00

Yeah, well, at least the last two weeks, you know, whatever live we're gonna have, because it's going to be nutty. I mean, he's, he's tantruming as we speak, right now,

Jeff Dwoskin 28:13

I know. Geraldo if we're dating this right now. But like it was Geraldo coming in to try and save us and make the world calm. Have you seen Oh, my God, dude.

Hal Sparks 28:23

I have not.

Jeff Dwoskin 28:24

I talked to my good friend Donald. And he's a realist. He just wants to see what's going to happen.

Hal Sparks 28:30

Yeah, that's absolutely how that conversation went, you know, they all leave the room, and you just you're smashing dishes and expletives and fart noises. And everybody's like, He's fine. He just needs a moment. But that's, that's effectively what are all those doing? He's playing like, 50s housewife where dad is having flashbacks from the war and thinks the kids are Japs. You know, like, he's like, it's so you know, there's no bullets in the room. He has the rifle. But there's I don't think there. That was the last bullet. There was one in the chamber. It's fine. Let's all finish our meatloaf. Like that's, that's what Geraldo it's turned into. Is this kind of Tim Burton housewife.

Jeff Dwoskin 29:11

Role though? Yeah, he never recovered from Al Capone's vault. No.

Hal Sparks 29:17

No,

Jeff Dwoskin 29:17

never recovered

Hal Sparks 29:19

I you know, when you know, he's one of those guys where and I've had interactions with him over the years and not the least of which were just the brutal beating he got and media about that whole thing and the ongoing like, what did he do? Go look in Trump's head and and find nothing just like Al Capone's vault like those kind of jokes are so ubiquitous. You don't even have to be when you're when your screw ups are classics, that they become referential for other screw ups, and then hipsters and millennials and people like that know it, even though it happened before they were born. That's that's, that's incredible. Think about counting carrying that around in your life, think about Yeah, but Al Capone's vault, everywhere you go, you walk into that restaurant where they know your name, like it's the doodoo he opened del Capone's big, it's like a five day thing. And they teased it forever. And there was it was literally empty. It was still empty. That it was like joke empty and it was empty on camera. It was it. Yeah, no, no table for two. Wonderful, okay, we'll get to in a second. Jesus Christ, I wonder if we can find a table. Don't bring. Don't bring him a cupboard dish. When he opens it, it'll be empty. There'll be no soup in the bowl. I don't know how this asshole manages. Keeps the guy at the grocery store keeps telling me he walks up with an empty cart every day, and tries to pay for it. You know what I mean? Like, that's live with that forever. I mean, I've had some screw ups in my life, you know, and I've had some bad interviews and all that kind of stuff. But on the level that everybody has to deal with it, especially as you learn your way through. And you can see how people like our guy, I know there's gonna be one of those, you can see the look in their face when people have had the a couple of those on the board.

Jeff Dwoskin 31:10

So funny so far. Yeah. Yeah, we should probably go through the whole administration. I'd love to hear routines on each one of them.

Hal Sparks 31:16

But no doubt. Although I mean, the post election strategy of like the Peter Navarro 's of the world are going to be you know, I mean, I understand like Wilbur Ross will obviously rejoin his mole rat tribe and and recede into the earth and, you know, rise to be the leader of the Morlocks eventually, but like Steve minuchin, and those guys like there, you get an ID in there after Biden gets in there. Just reestablishes you know, the inspector general's and all these things and they start doing an audit. That's some scary shit for those guys. minuchin isn't going back to Goldman Sachs anytime soon. They're not going to have a potential felon in back in the fold. And then his, ultimately, what's your claim to fame? I pilfered $500 billion from the Treasury and they caught me but at least my wife and I got the fuck on top of a pile of cash and gold at Fort Knox.

Jeff Dwoskin 32:13

Jesus, right. Oh, you mean like and Wolf of Wall Street? Yes, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

Hal Sparks 32:20

It's like Wolf of Wall Street. If the lead character was the least charismatic person you'd ever met in your life, it Bill Gates was the star of Wolf of Wall Street just like I'm not quite. I'm, like, just horrible.

Jeff Dwoskin 32:38

Man, that is too funny, too funny.

Hal Sparks 32:42

I agree. Well, I actually think it's just funny enough, I don't want to harm anyone. So yeah.

Jeff Dwoskin 32:51

Did you see the new Borat,

Hal Sparks 32:53

indeed, I did. And I saw the stills that came out from it. And all this stuff that was warning everybody that it was coming. The thing I was, you know, when I watched it live, I was immediately aware of the fact that prism or who whoever the main production company is on it. And and ultimately, Netflix (actually Amazon) for carrying it. Have HR departments and their HR departments are not going to allow in a movie, an actor or actress to be harmed in the filming simply to get a stunt no matter what. So the line they were walking is, how far do we go with this actress in this room with Rudy Giuliani, before we call it off, it's not like, you know, if this was shot in the 80s or 70s, they'd be, you know, witness relocation in his junk as he ran around the room chasing her for a good five minutes, you know, before everybody barged in and said, You're on Candid Camera, you know, but in this case, you got to stop it before this dude shows his dick to this woman who didn't sign up for this nonsense. And so you can tell they're like, Oh, he's actually doing that. We thought he made a pass or say some shit. Dude is just gonna take his dick out. And so he had to run in and interrupt it. I think earlier than then they would have wanted as far as what they could have shown Rudy Giuliani was going to do and the most telling thing and all of it was the weird ass Pat. He gives her just above her hip, where he's like, clearly testing the waters as she's working as Mike in the hotel room. Yes, like, reaching up to like maybe next Pat goes to that, that that and and you can just read it is this like Brett Kavanaugh High School, like maybe I can test the waters kind of gross. It's this nasty. And I you know, I've watched all of Trump's rallies during my, you know, live stream that I do and I started after he Stop doing them. I was like, Alright, I want to show something that shows their team and what they're doing. Since he's been on radio silence. So I've been doing some of the Rudy Giuliani vlog, you know, his podcast that he does. And not only is it ignorant nonsense, but there's always a weird creep factor to it. And someone is all he's always doing in hotel rooms. And there's always someone walking around in the background, just kind of loitering off screen and you're like, is dude payer so she can go home? You didn't pay her to sit through this. There are no hookers that do that kind of as an SM behavior.

Jeff Dwoskin 35:43

Rudy's like one of those I always read, he wasn't very liked, but 911 made him a hero. He was America's Mayor for quite some time and then, man, he's just a piece of work now.

Hal Sparks 35:55

He's just the bed. Kate McKinnon on Saturday, live does the best. Rudy Giuliani Oh my god. It's Yeah, it's fantastic. But I mean, she basically like her whole like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, kind of, you know, there's there's points to like, he's not super distinct, oddly enough, unless you just look like him. In his impersonation. It's it. You know, there's no extraordinary aspect of his voice. He sounds like dozens of New Yorkers ultimately. And you know, older New Yorkers especially. And so when you when you impersonate somebody like that, you have to go to personality traits and exaggerate them to kind of get across like what bothers you about them? Not just like, Whoa, nailed the voice. And in some ways, like I do, I do like Jesse the body Ventura, sometimes whenever I joke about independence, because his voice is so si was the governor of Minnesota. At some time, I ain't got time to bleed that kind of whole thing. Like he's not that hard to do. You don't even have to be in that much costuming to get the point across. But Rudy, you have to at some point, I have expected her to just like lower from the ceiling upside down, and just do the monologue is a vampire, which you'd have to do with green screen because I've hung upside down for production for a half an hour to shoot something. It's awful. You'll have headaches per days.

Jeff Dwoskin 37:18

Anything for the art Hal.

Hal Sparks 37:19

Yeah, man. Oh my god, like, we did a scene where I was in a harness for six hours on lab rats. And because of I was supposed to be an anti gravity was supposed to take place in space, what we were doing. So I was in a spacesuit sealed in with a helmet with a rigging on me hanging me. And I had to make my body move in a way that looked like I was floating. So you have to, it's a tremendous amount of muscle work to be able to, like, move your body like so people can't see where the rig points are. And in this case, we only had a waist rig point. So I had two pins on my upper back and lower back. So to make it look like you can move your back, you have to flex and move so much against the rigging and then back again. And then lift your legs the whole time to keep them floating above your waist point, which is I mean, do do some AB work lay down, lift your legs, you know, just lay flat, lift your legs for two minutes. And then two more minutes, and then two more minutes, and then six minutes and then an hour. And that's what it's like to do an anti gravity rig in a movie or film like gravity or any of those things. It's brutal.

Jeff Dwoskin 38:37

Sounds miserable sounds Yeah.

Hal Sparks 38:40

But the you know, if you want it to look right and not go I can see where the wire is. That's the part that is a drag more than anything else is the history of 10 years from now looking at something going I can see where they were pinned up because they're not moving beyond that point. So six hours of just like body flexing the whole thing. It was like it was the weirdest. Amina literally had AB cramps, which I've never had in my life for days afterwards. So anyway, so Kate McKinnon if you ever wants to do him as a vampire, then they should do it as if they should? Yeah, just do it in a green screen and flip or upside down.

Jeff Dwoskin 39:14

I sent I sent her a copy of the of the podcast

Hal Sparks 39:17

twice, they take my advice. Everyone does it. Yeah, it's an amazing thing. I have to say, I started my stream, and I won't out them because that you know, people have said this on sort of the DL. And some of them are you know, because they try to stay away from politics is largely what it is like because that's the bread and butter. They don't want to cross too many bridges. Some people are overt and they're awesome. And I have interactions with them a lot like Richard Marx and Dee Snider from Twisted Sister and you know, Billy Baldwin, and you know, that crowd, just awesome people, but they're overt in their political stuff. And then there's some people that go now I can't step out there, my bread and butter is on the other side. I'll vote my way and I'll talk to my friend And family this way, but, and I'll and I'll certainly speak to inspiring causes that make it obvious what side of the political spectrum I on I'm on, you know gay rights, women's rights you know minority rights that kind of stuff veterans whatever it'll let people know which side of the team I'm on and you know which side of the field I'm on but during my stream that I've been doing, I get these weird like a list winks and nods of people like I watched your stream a bunch and I would lose my mind if you weren't doing that. And I was like, What? You guys? You guys watching me do my weird little stream on Twitch and in YouTube? like yeah, and you know, like, it's I mean, I mean,

Jeff Dwoskin 40:43

that's awesome.

Hal Sparks 40:45

Yeah, it's incredible. I mean, I've gotten stuff from you know, any, any celeb with kids while I was on lab rats, was you know, sending a ton of messages like my kids love lab rats. So we're on all the time I hear your voice in the house, non stop. And I'm like, You're welcome. It was nice to babysit for you know, brad and angelina occasionally, but then to make it be the live thing that I do. That's actually me is a wholly different thing. You know,

Jeff Dwoskin 41:13

so that you have kind of a kind of bunch of, Hey, I know, I'm not one of the people you're talking about. But I've got a bunch of them. Yeah. And it's it's impressive. I started watching one yesterday, and, you know, just you know, it was catching up. And three, it was like three hours of Mike Oh, my God, like, yeah, it's impressive that you can just go that long. I mean,

Hal Sparks 41:34

well, the, the thing I have as an anchor will sustain you. The thing that's important to me is, do not let these lies go unanswered. And the tool of the other side, oftentimes, especially when it comes to media, is the Gish Gallop, dump 50 lies on the field. And then when it's your turn to respond, you can really only handle the egregious last one. And so the assumption by the audience is that since you're like, Okay, first of all, you didn't create, you didn't pass VA choice. And so they're like, okay, jumped on that one, the rest of them must be true, because he never addressed them. That's what a Gish gallop does into debate. It limits because you've got limited time to respond. It limits your ability to call out the other lies without just going okay. Everything you said was bullshit. Let's start with the beginning. And it's really hard to do in a debate. Most news company, you know, organizations don't have time for that, even though they're on 24 hours a day. So I, it was really crucial when when he started doing these rallies of like, you know, what, we're all home, I'm going to go through these whole rallies. Nobody wants to look at them. They're not playing them on, you know, the other, you know, non Fox networks. And fox is just kind of putting them on autopilot. And I'm like, No, if you're gonna put these things up, I get to call out the bullshit. Well, by the time I, you know, an hour rally, and I'm stopping every two sentences to go bullshit. Here's why. Here's the facts. This is the reality. Here's a joke. Look at his face. Why is he doing that? You know, who's that person over his right shoulder and why are they enraptured by this nonsense of they're paid to be there. Next two sentences, doing the same thing. It ends up being three hours, it ends up being, you know, a show in and of itself. It's extraordinary.

Jeff Dwoskin 43:25

It is amazing. But it's also amazing when you watch just the news networks like I may expect it from like MSNBC and CNN but even fox is starting to turn away have to comment, they

Hal Sparks 43:36

have to, they have to, because they're, they have a responsibility to rebuild the republican brand. They have to if the republican party has any chance of winning an election or something like that, it absolutely has to be them that brings them back to life. You know, Tucker and hannity are in charge of the soft landing. They're going to let this burning dumpster with wings, you know, they're going to be the air you know, the trap, air traffic control pie, you know, people in the tower bringing it in, so that it doesn't absolutely ruin the whole airport. And all the rest of Fox has already moved on. And that's it. They know this, they've strategized about this. They're not stupid. This is these are billion dollar companies, unlike Trump's and so they have a they have a bottom line to protect. I'm always fascinated when people start to look at the check that they're getting start to go down and how it affects their behavior.

Jeff Dwoskin 44:34

This has been so great hell I really appreciate you hanging with me. I know you got to go do some other shows and all that kind of good stuff. Maybe we can have you back and we can get into some more the other cool stuff the the thousand other things you didn't even get into and talk about. Yeah,

Hal Sparks 44:49

well, there will never be enough tape in the world and there will never be enough hard drive space for the stories.

Jeff Dwoskin 44:56

Well, we can give it another shot. Where can people follow you on Twitch and YouTube and all that

Hal Sparks 45:01

@HalSparks on Twitter and of course that will branch you out to every other place. You know as far as the links or whatever halsparks dot live is where you can go watch the stream or twitch TV slash Hal Sparks. It's basically the same thing. It's just easy to get there. I'm out of YouTube hell so you can go to infotainmentwars.com that will bring you to my my website as well as my YouTube page where the stream is I'm firing on all cylinders. I stream across four platforms every day these days while still shooting another show. I'm shooting it i don't i think it usually comes out in December. We shoot a little bit ahead of time but with a couple of the writers from Kimmel show and some other production folks we do a an award show called The fiduciaries every year. And it's awards for the biggest like con men bailout queens, kleptocrats and financial psychopaths of the year people who steal billions of dollars from retirement funds and stuff like that. We give them an award every year called it's the fiduciary it's a spray painted golden silicon ass

Jeff Dwoskin 46:05

love it. .

Hal Sparks 46:06

Yeah That that they that they get on a plaque financial criminals, people in the administration. I have no doubt. Steve minuchin is in the running. But week from Sunday. We film that. And then we release it stormy Daniels and I did it last year you can guess who got one of the awards. It's a thing. We're kind of growing over time to kind of make people aware of the behind the scenes like corporate and banking fraud. I mean, Deutsche Bank alone, their entire upper echelon of people should get one thrown in the face like a pie, you know, so yeah, incredible.

Jeff Dwoskin 46:40

Awesome. Awesome. Thank you so much.

Hal Sparks 46:42

Absolutely, brother. Glad to do it.

Jeff Dwoskin 46:44

All right, ladies and gentlemen, that was Hal Sparks. How cool is that? Hope you enjoyed listening to that conversation as much as I enjoyed having it. So thanks again to house sparks for joining me. Thanks also to my buddy, Ricky Glore for the celebrity voices in this episode and last week's episode. Thank you, buddy. I think you had a little bit of fun to the Jeff Dwoskin show, and I look forward to doing more in the future.

I also want to thank the humbly app. Yeah, the humbly app. I mentioned it in past episodes, I'm in the recommended section. So they're pretty cool. So definitely check out that app. It donates money every time you listen to a podcast episode. So that's pretty cool, right? Yeah, absolutely. It is.

Alright, why don't we get on now to what you've all been waiting for the hashtag roundup hashtag of the week. You know what it's all about. I read off a hashtag you can play along at hashtag Roundup, download the hashtag roundup app and one of your tweets might show up in a future episode of the Jeff Dwoskin show. How cool is that though? The hashtag we're gonna do today is #stupidquestionsforaliens. This of course, in honor of our guests house barks ZOLTAN!. Oh, man. All right, #stupidquestionsforaliens. This is part of the weekly game on hashtag roundup open mic rejects every Tuesday on hashtag Roundup. And as always, these tweeters are gonna be retweeted at @JeffDwoskinShow. They'll also be in the show notes. So find them, retweet them, show them some love. Don't forget get the hashtag roundup app, play some hashtags, and you can end up on a future episode of the Jeff Dwoskin shows. ZOLTAN!

Alright, let's do this. #stupidquestionsforaliens. So your ship? Is it manual or automatic? That is a stupid question. Hey, alien. When are you bringing Elvis back? I said maybe that's a good question. Oh, this one's important. Hey, alien Laurel or Yanni? Yeah, when they solve that one, we can get them to focus on the dress as well. That dress. Hey, alien, how many aliens does it take to change a light bulb? That'd be a stupid question to ask an alien. You probably get vaporized for that one. Alien Are you here to destroy Earth to make way for a hyperspace bypass? Grab your towels people. Oh, hey, aliens. So you called up the invasion when you found out about pineapple pizza. I mean, can you blame them? Can you blame them? pineapple pizza. Oh, hey, alien. We built a wall between you and us. Well, you pay for it because we got some guys saying you're gonna pay for it. Oh man, these are some #stupidquestionsforaliens. I'll tell you that. Hey, alien. Did it hurt? wink wink when you fell from heaven? Why is it it's more of a pickup line. But we're gonna let it go. Hey, alien, do you believe in humans? There are they're all sitting on their planet. You believe in humans humans do not exist. And finally a stupid question for aliens. Alien. Have you ever fought over toilet paper? Probably not because they're intelligent. Oh, man. All right. That was #stupidquestionsforaliens. ZOLTAN!.

I appreciate y'all stopping by this week. This has been Episode 29 of the Jeff Dwoskin show. Don't forget to check out the show notes or go to @ Jeff Dwoskin show on Twitter, retweet all the funny tweets

To play the hashtag Roundup, go to Apple podcasts, amazon music Spotify, anywhere podcasts can be found. Subscribe to the Jeff Dwoskin show. Tell your friends about the Jeff Dwoskin show. Go to Jeffisfunny.com sign up for my mailing list. I got some cool emails ready to send out. And that's it. That's it. We'll see you next week. Thanks for joining us.

Announcer 50:22

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Jeff Dwoskin show with your host, Jeff Dwoskin. Now go repeat everything you've heard and sound like a genius. catch us online at the Jeff Dwoskin show.com or follow us on Twitter at Jeff Dwoskin show and we'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai