#31 Why is Bil Dwyer Yelling?

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Jeff Dwoskin 0:16

Michael, thank you so much for that amazing introduction. You get this show going each and every week. I can't thank him enough. Welcome everybody to Episode 31 of the Jeff Dwoskin show. I can't thank you enough for joining me week after week liking, subscribing, telling all your friends about the Jeff Dwoskin show. We keep growing every week and I can't thank you enough for your dedication, support and love. We got a great show for you today. Episode 31 is gonna rock the house. We got Bil Dwyer That's right. Comedian Bil Dwyer. You love them as host to the battlebots dirty rotten cheaters you love them and VH ones I love the 70s 80s and 90s you'll love them on last Comic Standing. He's coming up in just a little bit very excited. And you know what else I'm excited about? The Jeff Dwoskin show was named one of Indy pods top 25 best independent podcasts of 2020. That's right, we did it folks. We did it. Andy pods united put together brilliantly by Tina Marie trimper. She is incredible. She put together this entire summit of podcasters. And comedians, and it was so great. And I was honored to be named one of the top 25 shows of 2020. So thank you. I know you guys weren't there. I know my family wasn't there. So I wanted to put a little real creation together for you. It sort of went a little like this. We are honored to name the Jeff Dwoskin show one of the top 25 podcasts all day. Oh my God, thank you. You like me? You really like me.

I'm so excited. I want to thank the fans. Thank you all. It's an honor to do this week after week. Thank you. All right, but thank you all though, from the bottom of my heart. I really do appreciate everyone that subscribes likes listens week after week, you know, we've been doing this for 31 episodes now and it's so exciting. And I still love doing it. So much so that we're gonna do it live. In addition to the podcast, we're going to have a live version of the Jeff Dwoskin show called crossing the streams every Wednesday at 9:30pm. Eastern way debuted last week and this Wednesday, we're doing it again. You can follow us on the YouTube channel, the Jeff Dwoskin show YouTube channel or on Facebook. Check out the show notes for all the links to the live broadcast. Wait, Jeff crossing the streams? Didn't you have two amazing episodes called crossing the streams of the Jeff Dwoskin show? Yes, I did. Yes, I did with my friends Howard Rosner and Ron libet. We dove deep, deep into a lot of great shows that were bingeing and watching and we thought, Hey, why don't we bring it to the masses week after week after week, and we're bringing along two of our friends, Bob Philips and Sally familia from the sale and Bob show. They're joining us and we're gonna have special guests, every now and then that could pop in and tell us what they're watching. So it's gonna be great. Mark your calendars, Wednesdays 9:30pm. Eastern, the Jeff Dwoskin show YouTube channel, just do a little Google search or check out the show notes or go to Jeff is funny.com all the information is there as well. And we're gonna see alive you can comment and we'll respond live. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great.

Oh, my assistant just handed me a piece of paper. I would be remiss if I did not mention thescenessnobs.com they're helping present the Jeff Dwoskin show live: crossing the streams. They're awesome. Follow them there will also be broadcasting live through their channel. I do want to thank some of the podcasts that have had me on recently behind the bits. I was on there. That was pretty awesome. Guest and on moments of grace, I guess it on the hungry trilobite show, all those will be coming out in the next month or so etc, etc. So check me out on those shows. I'm also on the VB geeks network, you can find the Jeff Dwoskin show there as well. We're everywhere. We're everywhere. So exciting. So exciting. Also, you know what I'm still in the recommended section of the humbly app so definitely check out the humbly app that's pretty cool app and when you listen to podcasts, they donate money to charity just for you listening so you know you can listen to like a quick ad or something and it's pretty cool. So check out the humbly app as well. So much stuff. I give you too much or too much homework. Oh my god. I had a disaster yesterday. All of a sudden we woke up and heat was gone in our house. Someone stole our he actually that furnace broke and I don't know what it is about furnaces. Two furnaces only break during the winter on Saturdays when heating companies aren't open. Is it the way it works so that they can charge you like 100 million dollars to come out? It's a special delivered what you don't. furnaces don't break on the weekend. I mean, come on, guys. I mean, what kind of what kind of business is this? They said you just aren't open at weekends. It just doesn't even matter if you do something that services a house. Oh, we'll get you next Tuesday. Tuesday. I'll be frozen by Tuesday. I'll be that guy from Scrooge or frozen to death on Tuesday. I need you here today. Yes, I'll pay you 100 million dollars come out today. Oh my god. Anyway, but we got it fixed. And now we're back in shape. And so I'm not freezing. Otherwise I'd be the podcast would be like, but it's not. I'm fine. I'm warm again. So thanks for bearing with me. So I guess now would be a perfect time to pitch buy me a coffee calm slash Jeff Dwoskin show I couldn't really use that coffee yesterday warmed me up. But if you want to support the show, you're like, Jeff, I just want to throw money at you. But I don't know how just go to this go to buy me a coffee calm slash Jeff Dwoskin show. Another way to help is of course, support the sponsors the sponsor this week. Self closing cupboards. That's right self closing cupboards for when you open the cupboard and you're just too busy using what used inside it to remember to close it. What you need is self closing cupboards never have a cupboard open again. Oh, did someone just hit their head because you took a mug out and forgot to close the cupboard. Never again, with self closing cupboards The only cupboard that closes itself, your wife will thank you. Alright, well, you know what, I think I'm gonna have to get those because I have a tendency to leave cupboards open all the time. So I'm going to check those out. I'm going to get them I know my wife's going to be pretty darn excited for me to have those. So anyway, check those out, support the sponsor. That's how we keep the lights on week after week. All right, thank you. And now I'm excited to share with you my conversation with comedian Bil Dwyer. All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this show. actor, writer, comedian, extraordinaire, Mr. Bil Dwyer. Well,

Bil Dwyer 6:52

you kind of forget you are a writer Aren't you know, you don't think that just being a stand up comic, right? you kind of forget Oh, yeah, I write these things. I do write you don't think of yourself as like a writer until you write like a pilot or something. But all of us write we write all the time where we should?

Jeff Dwoskin 7:12

Absolutely. When you're looking at your credits, you got to pick out every single piece you can write your notes don't short, don't short change yourself at all.

Bil Dwyer 7:21

But I mean, if somebody was saying, you know, if you were listing my things like writer would be like just a couple of above dancer.

Jeff Dwoskin 7:31

Yes.

Bil Dwyer 7:32

Could you see me dance? It's something it's something but it might not be actually dancing. But yeah, writing I mean, I use actual letters and words and punctuation. And then I say them so I'm a writer, and an over actor and a stand up comic. Oh my god, I am so screwed at this point life. I am screwed, man. I am screwed.

Jeff Dwoskin 7:56

Those wire triple threat.

Bil Dwyer 7:58

What is gonna happen, Jeff? Ah,

Jeff Dwoskin 8:01

how you handling COVID with the comedy

Bil Dwyer 8:04

as you know, I've done some zoom shows. I don't know if you've done any zoom shows effectively avoided

Jeff Dwoskin 8:09

all zoom show.

Bil Dwyer 8:11

Okay, about you. I've know I've done I've done quite a few of them. And I it's a little, obviously quite a bit different. But sometimes the other comics, I want to knock them around and go guys, you gotta pick up the energy here. This is like people are just watching a screen. It's that time like you're out. You've gotten dressed up and you know, just drinks and a waitress and all these things that are lively and exciting. You know, there's none of that. It's people just watching a goddamn screen. So if you're not giving them something, it's just a like, I'm watching it. And then they always ask sometimes they asked, hey, comics, who do you hang out and watch the other comics? Ah, fuck. I never used to do that when it was live. Now I have to Should I not swear, by the way? Here? Yeah, go ahead. You're kidding. No, I just, I just did that. I was like, oh, man, I gotta know what. Anyway, I should I should probably swear less. So anyway. Yeah. So when you do a zoom show, it's it's a little different. But you're still doing jokes. And if you got a big crowd, you know it because you can hear them laughing. But you can also see them and it's like, you know, you've seen crowds at comedy clubs. Jeff. Imagine those same people not having to get dressed. And they're just laying around at home. sheezus put some effort into it, everybody.

Jeff Dwoskin 9:32

You're right, though. You have to kind of just go a little bit over the top. You got to give them that extra show. Yeah,

Bil Dwyer 9:38

right. Because it's not it's not three dimensional. It's a screen that they can shut at any time. They could you shut it for God's sakes.

Jeff Dwoskin 9:47

So just so everyone a little background so I met Bil (Dwyer) a we worked together in 2003 seven. This is why you don't shut off your Facebook folks. Stay connected. Feels like oh like crap. And I remember like we I opened for you. And you were like, the very first comedian I work for that who's like Comedy Central presents. I was obsessed with my wife. My wife was like you're talking to Phil Dwyer.

Bil Dwyer 10:16

Really? I mean, you were obsessed with mine or just did the whole series in general.

Jeff Dwoskin 10:20

I loved yours. I

Bil Dwyer 10:21

just, it's great. I liked mine, too. I thought it was pretty good. But I don't know if it like I don't know if it overwhelmed people but good. I'm glad you liked it. That's great.

Jeff Dwoskin 10:32

It was it was just because they played it over and over. Okay. I just remember cuz I'm like, Oh my god, the guy from Comedy Central. was so excited. So excited.

Bil Dwyer 10:44

I was excited to be there too. Wasn't that there was wintertime wasn't it? And that was that was the comedy club outside of Detroit.

Jeff Dwoskin 10:52

Yeah, that mark release comedy castle.

Bil Dwyer 10:54

No, it wasn't the comedy wasn't the comedy cancer. Was it the other one? Yeah.

Jeff Dwoskin 10:59

I think you played other ones at other times. Oh, okay.

Bil Dwyer 11:02

You and I met at the comedy castle, which is a great club. Great. And I did just okay that week too. Now, I did just okay. Wasn't that was also the week with them with Chris with Jay. Chris Newberg. Yes, yes. Yes.

Jeff Dwoskin 11:18

Because of Yes. Because for one of the one of the shows, we all wrote something down on a piece of paper and had to open it up on stage and do us a joke, right on that promise.

Bil Dwyer 11:31

I love that. I that is so much fun when we when we do that as comics. And I don't know what I got. You know, you got

Jeff Dwoskin 11:38

I think I had like big Greek Wedding or something like that. And I totally forgot about it. He just said Jay Chris's name and it all flooded back.

Bil Dwyer 11:48

Because I wouldn't have written My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I don't know what I gave you. I don't know what somebody gave me. But I don't think I did anything great with it. I wish I had. That would have been that is always fun to do that. It's always so much fun. Also, it's also it's really torture though if you're not doing well.

Unknown Speaker 12:06

Yes.

Bil Dwyer 12:06

If you're if you're not doing well with the audience, and then you have to try and shoehorn him some bit that you've never done before. Ah, that's great. That was also you did not go with us. I don't think but J. Chris and I crossed the the border and headed into some Canadian casino where I believe I made some people's nights. That's what that's what I think happened. I think I kind of tore it up there a little bit. I had a crowd gathering around me as I played three card poker blind. I was betting blind. Yeah, I had people behind me was it was a slow night granted at the casino, but it was still it was a lot of fun. So I loved I love that club. I love that club.

Jeff Dwoskin 12:53

Yeah, we I didn't go to Canada with you. But I remember I think that Thursday night after the first show, I took you to this place called club Bart.

Bil Dwyer 13:01

Was there one day of the steak bites? Or was that

Jeff Dwoskin 13:04

uh, that was comos. That was probably right next to it. This was like some dive bar, some dive bar. And I remember it because I was driving you there and you look in the backseat. My car was a mess. And I never you're like, yeah, I get it. Jeff. You got kids. And I'm like, my kids are never in my car.

Bil Dwyer 13:27

Good kids back then.

Jeff Dwoskin 13:28

They were probably just

Bil Dwyer 13:30

yeah, babies. But yeah. Oh, man. And now teenagers. Oh, how exciting and proud are going off

Jeff Dwoskin 13:36

to college, to go to college to why

Bil Dwyer 13:41

I became a grandfather recently. Here's my joke about that. When, because of who I am and how I've lived my life. When my daughter told me that I was going to be a grandfather. I asked her. Are you sure? I'm the grandfather? Come on. Hey. I usually set it up with how awful I am and that I'm divorced now that sort of thing. And yeah, did you didn't you take me to an open mic in Detroit also have an open mic. It was kind of a might have been a book show.

Jeff Dwoskin 14:13

That was like that was that was the club Bart show? Yeah. Yeah. A

Bil Dwyer 14:17

lot of fun. That's always fun. You know, to do a to do a regular show at a club, and then go somewhere and do some weird, you know, either late night or open mic show where people are trying new stuff and is local payments. A lot of

Jeff Dwoskin 14:33

it's always fun. Usually, club bar where I took you is the place where you would go and you would eat it every night. You were like on this elevated stage behind one of these old cash registers, registers. It was going to take room all the time. It was like around my comedy career. I would always no matter how bad his show was going. I would always think to myself, this isn't as bad as being a club bar.

Bil Dwyer 14:57

How do they it's so funny and you They always did comedy there, right? I mean, yeah,

Jeff Dwoskin 15:03

well not we love going love going there. It was just the shows were just it was hard shows to get laid. And is it

Bil Dwyer 15:09

funny and it's like that was set up. And then once that became the thing, they weren't going to change it like, Hey guys, we see that you guys are struggling. So we're gonna change the lighting we're gonna make, we're gonna make the sound a whole lot better. We're gonna make sure the audience is comfortable. They would never do that, like no one ever does that. It's like, well, people are still going and the show's running. So let's keep it as shitty as it always been. That was a charm, charm. In fact, like good clubs always ever like something weird about them. You know? I mean, you can I mean, you could talk about the improv having the brick wall behind it, but that wasn't a normal thing. And then all of a sudden, it was like that became like a comedy icon. You know, the brick wall behind the comic like Ridley's club is cool. And it's got some weird stuff going on. The Comedy Store is dark, and filthy. Most of the time, you know, I every every good club has something, you know, when they try and make them to antiseptic. It's not good. Right?

Jeff Dwoskin 16:11

Now they want to be antiseptic. But

Bil Dwyer 16:13

yeah, it would be nice. Yeah. Well, we're just such. We're just a bunch of filthy assholes. What? wear a mask? What the fuck yeah. Can we just for a few months? It'll be fine. Take it easy. We can do this. No, no. mask? Yes. In fact, when all this is over, we want you to continue wearing a mask. How about that? Oh, man, I just get so you know, I feel like we could be past this. But we're not.

Jeff Dwoskin 16:46

Nope. Not till everyone figures out that it's not freedom to exercise, whatever you want to do die. It's like,

Bil Dwyer 16:54

yeah, and again, there's always like, you know, the seatbelt example. It's like, you know, I know people bitch when they said you got to start wearing a seatbelt. But once they gave you a ticket, you're like, Alright, I'll wear the seatbelt. Okay. That's why Yeah, why? Why is it? Yeah, these drives me batty. I'm sorry. I don't mean to get into it. Because it's probably something that everybody complains about. why everybody isn't wearing a mask or why everybody is wearing a mask. Either way. There's no is there? There's really no middle ground, you know?

Yeah. So yesterday, I think I was playing some kind of hashtag game. It was like stupidity and forwards. And the answer was like, don't wear a mask or so. Right? And and so I get this guy going well, what about people who have health conditions that can't wear a mask? So I said to him, I just replied, I said, well just answer me this question. What should the person with the health condition do in a pandemic? If they can't wear the mask? Can we wait? Maybe they shouldn't go out? I mean, and then not to? Not to mention, it was only four words.

Jeff Dwoskin 18:02

I mean, I only had four words. You see, these people they extrapolate, and then they

Bil Dwyer 18:08

ruin the hashtag game? And also, what a bunch of what what health condition says you can't wear a mask? What health? I always hear this, and I think what what health condition is it? What is it, and I'm sure there's a mask you can wear, I'm sure there's like a higher end mask. So you can't wear a cool bandana, like the rest of us get a nice mask with your health condition. I'm using air quotes. Now for those of you can't say

Jeff Dwoskin 18:39

just be safe. I mean, the whole idea of mass just be safe, protect each other, do what you got to do. But you're right is the same thing as a seatbelt since like, they just everyone just sees it and it doesn't help anyway. All right, let's let's talk about let's talk about you.

Bil Dwyer 18:52

They need to you know, they need like I'm a little older than you. So I remember when I was a kid, and like the seatbelt laws, like they hadn't passed like the full on you got to wear your seatbelt law, but they were just trying to encourage people. And they would have these public service announcements, where somebody would say, Oh, I don't like seat belts. They wrinkle my dress, and then there'd be this noise and this flash, and then this woman would be in a full on body cast. And as a kid, I was like, ah, they scared the shit out of me. These did these PSAPs when I was a kid, there was one about not eating paint chips. Like I grew up like whatever. I was a middle class kid. I was like, who eats paint chips? Who is this for? You know, they were Sunday morning. And then another one was? If you ever see a blasting cap in the road, don't pick it up. And I just want all I wanted to do is find a blasting cap. Like I still have never seen what in laying in the streets. I don't know what a blasting cap looks like. I kind of know what they do. But I've never seen one just laying I don't know what life was like before. was born. But apparently blasting calves were just tossed all over the place. Anyway, what an exciting world that children picking up blasting caps and having their fingers blown off. Anyway, you can talk about me,

Jeff Dwoskin 20:15

let's talk about you the cover the couple people that might not be familiar with the Bil Dwyer catalog. So you spent a lot of time doing right after we work together now you were doing dirty rotten cheaters.

Bil Dwyer 20:27

You know, that was a you know, that was a really it was a really good show is kind of like a twist on family feud. Because if someone had you know the answer, or the answers, I try, I would try to explain it was much easier game to watch, because I would explain it to people and they'd be like, wait a second what that what the fuck is going on? You're just like, as you as you kept explaining is like just just watch it. It's much easier if you just watch it.

Jeff Dwoskin 20:52

Yeah, that was that was great. I did I've got a secret extreme dodgeball you had a home run. Most people know you from besides comedy would be hosts of battlebots.

Bil Dwyer 21:02

Yeah. Which you just heard my if you watched if anybody watches a pin 15 on Hulu. In the first episode of season two, they're watching battlebots. Haha, do you hear my voice? So I'm have already put in my call to the Screen Actors Guild to get payments. Yeah, the Roger Bell bots. And I was like, Oh, that's good. Oh, I'm glad people can't see me. Because I don't I look terrible. Great. So yeah, that was a great show. And even the new one. It's not as funny but it's still good. They got a new one now with Chris rose and some some some guy was a wrestler or mixed martial artist. It's it's still a good show. The robots haven't changed that much. They're still big and strong and powerful. So it's a good show to watch. But if you ever get a chance to see it live a lot of fun. A lot of fun. There I am there. That's me plugging a show that I'm not on

Jeff Dwoskin 21:59

because they're mentioned manche

Bil Dwyer 22:00

Ah, somebody else gonna be a marriage that recently but there's an I got a friend of mine always calls me a match. And I never realized that maybe I am a match here. I'll be a non match. My new CD is called Am I yelling and it's available on stand up records. Stand up records calm or you can buy it on iTunes. If you don't want to give a smaller record company your money. I'm sure Apple will do will do just fine with it. So yeah, it's called Am I yelling at stand up records? See as I get excited, I get louder and louder. I don't mean to Jeff but I just happened. That's that's why it's called Am I

Jeff Dwoskin 22:39

yelling? Right so is this your first album?

Bil Dwyer 22:42

I did? You know right around when we were working I did record I did like self record an album and put it together called lips like eels eyes like dinner plates. And that was I did everything out of the house. You know, I burnt them and, and and packaged them myself. So if you're one of the lucky people who has a copy of that, that is probably worth. However much a blank CD is worth nowadays, technically, this is the first one produced by an actual company with with real people giving notes and that sort of thing. Yeah, an actual company, and actual people, not just me, trying to make money on the road. Did you ever sell anything on the road?

Jeff Dwoskin 23:27

I had bumper stickers. I made ones but I was always like I hated. I hated sitting there trying to collect money from people after especially when you're like an MC or feature. It's a Yeah, no, it's not the most exciting thing to do.

Bil Dwyer 23:42

It's also if you're the headliner, and the and the feature is just killing it. With sales. You're like Oh, man, alright. I have to be better. I have to be a better person. I have to be a better comic. Um, bumper stickers, though. Hmm, that was a good idea. Not a lot of weight. So cheap. sell them for what? $1 apiece?

Jeff Dwoskin 24:05

Yeah, or three, four or five. You know, some whatever. Yeah, a couple bucks. Hmm. And it's like, and then there's a magical deal that has like one of my taglines from a joke which then if you forget to do the joke, you can

Bil Dwyer 24:17

Oh, man, what did the bumper sticker say?

Jeff Dwoskin 24:20

I think they just said brown chicken brown cow. It was like a joke that I had where it would be like, I made that that noise in a brown chicken Brown. Rice horn sound it's just brown chicken brown cow.

Bil Dwyer 24:32

I agree with you when you said brown chicken brown cow. That's what I thought I thought of the porn song.

Jeff Dwoskin 24:37

Yeah, yeah. Going. I had a whole joke and then a call back to it. And it's funny. Yeah, yeah.

Bil Dwyer 24:44

It doesn't embarrass you. Now when you think about it, it does it a little bit, doesn't it? Yeah. I'm

Jeff Dwoskin 24:49

glad to have a good it's nice to have in the drawer. Yeah, I know. This is a little memory of like a moment

Bil Dwyer 24:54

for some reason I have Oh, I know why. Just because I took them out of storage. We took them out of the garage. But I have a lot of like my old notebooks and I and I went through some of them and you know, just some of the stuff is just terrible. You read it. And you go, I don't know if I ever said this, but it's like this is senseless. This doesn't make any sense makes no sense at all. This is horrible. What was it just trying to offend people? What is going on here? So yeah, so just looking back on your comedy career is always fun. Like, oh my god, we're doing a thing about comics in their early days. My evening at the improv is on Amazon right now. I think. Wow. I just watched one of my episodes. Oh, Christ, you would never find a needier person than me. Oh my god. I'm like rushing. It's like, Oh, it's just Ah, it's horribly like, why is this on TV? I mean, there's a couple of good jokes. But oh, Christ, it is it is so painful for me to watch. It is painful. And then my opening joke is about my pants. And it's kind of like a sight gag. But you can't really tell on TV. It's so idiotic. Yeah, it's easy. 15 episode, whatever. And that was my second time on. That was my second time. Why should have been better. Oh, anyway,

Jeff Dwoskin 26:26

I hear you. I look back I had a I had a joke where I'd go on stage with these glasses in my head and then bring them down and have someone call me from off stage and do a Can you hear me now Joe? Cuz I thought I looked like the guy from the commercial.

Bil Dwyer 26:39

Really.

Jeff Dwoskin 26:42

I look back at some of these things that I like, at the time you think are so great. And yeah, it's it's

Bil Dwyer 26:50

I audition for that commercial, by the way, probably, you know, probably 10 years ago, or however long it was. I mean, I mean, that ran for that ran for seven 810 years? I don't know. But I auditioned for that. I mean, a lot of us did. They brought in comics, you know, from all over town, all over town. It brought in a lot of comics. And I remember doing it and being really funny. And it was like, Oh, well, you know, then I saw the guy and I was like, Oh, they didn't really want really funny. Maybe they just didn't want me. I don't know. But it's not like he looked at that guy. And like, Oh my god, that guy is so funny. And then now he's doing sprint commercials. Like, how, like who would sprint was like, Hey, you guys remember that old Verizon guy? They're like No, no. Was he was he like really? Really good looking? Now? No, but really charismatic right now? No, but his voice he had a great voice now. No. So anyway, I'm thinking we should use him. Sounds great. Let's do it. What? Who? How? How is that sold to anybody? I can remember the guy through the Verizon commercials. Who didn't say much? Yeah, let's get him but have them say things. Oh, yeah, that'll be great. Anyway, God that drove me nuts. He's like, I this is Paul. And you're like, Who cares? Who cares? Anyway, am I complaining too much?

Jeff Dwoskin 28:19

No, it it's good to get it out these podcaster

Bil Dwyer 28:22

but I haven't seen it. I don't think they're using it much anymore. He's just he has nothing. There's no charisma. Are we gonna let's put them in really nice clothes. And and that now Now we'll just put them in some schlubby pants and a shirt. Okay. All right.

Jeff Dwoskin 28:39

They're probably like we got chip horizon. We got a guy.

Bil Dwyer 28:45

I just I have no idea. That's just a that's just really funny to me. So anyway, look for a look for Mr. Whipple to be doing some sort of other commercials. Look for Captain Crunch to be doing. Yes. I couldn't even think of a I could do that. I wanted to say lucky charms. Yeah, just a sudden, everybody's Oh, man. Hey, you guys know the rabbit from from tricks. Yeah. Let's get him for Weetabix. That's too funny. Yeah. I just thought about that last part. I had complained about Paul from her but now I thought yeah, just everybody. Also Mr. Whipple, for those who don't know it, he was an odd old man who liked to squeeze Sharman in a grocery store. And yet he didn't allow anyone else to squeeze Sharman and he always got caught squeezing Charmin it had a real pedophile like feel to it. The whole thing you know, Mr. Whipple, and at the end of the cursory be squeezed at the sharpen, you just picture of like outside of school yard somewhere, you know, with his hands in his pockets. Mr. Whipple Go okay. I never, I never understood that guy just having to work next to this thing you coveted. And yet you couldn't touch it ever,

Jeff Dwoskin 30:11

anyway. And a whole generation of people with Charmin fetish now.

Bil Dwyer 30:15

Yeah. And who? Yeah, who have absolutely no idea what I'm doing right wait Mr. Whipple was a Charmin? That's right. What are those awful bears those cartoon bears who refuse to wipe their asses or move just is that for Charmin? Also or What's that for? Is it Sharman? When those guys have got to start choosing some better some better spokes people? Those ass wiping bears. Oh, Christ almighty. And did you remember Did you see the one where the kids talking about how it doesn't need to change his underwear? Like for an extra day? Because the Charmin makes himself so clean? Just the whole Oh, that gets so get so disgusted by these cartoon bears.

Jeff Dwoskin 30:59

Cartoon bears are the worse. They're the worst.

Bil Dwyer 31:03

I mean, I was never big Yogi Bear fan. I didn't I didn't watch him. These ass wiping sharp. There's Charmin. That's Charmin. Is it really? Is it or is it northern? Is it North?

Jeff Dwoskin 31:15

Charmin? Charmin.

Bil Dwyer 31:16

I feel like I feel like I should write a letter. But I think this is enough. I think talking about it endlessly on your show is enough. These ask and then like sometimes they're wearing underwear and sometimes they're not. When they're not wearing underwear. You're thinking oh is there? It's It's It's It's the most disgusting cartoon to me ever. These Sharman, red bear commercials or blueberries, whatever they are. I don't know. I have no idea anymore.

Jeff Dwoskin 31:44

When this show goes viral they there's some boardrooms, they're gonna be held to pay in some boardrooms.

Bil Dwyer 31:48

Let me think of other advertisements that drive me crazy. There was one where like some I was watching football. Listen to me. I'm like a hat comic talking about commercials. So I don't want to do that to you. But you know, I have that in me. Just so everybody knows. I have that in me. I was doing a joke during a zoom show with another guy who was like my age. And I was on before him. And I did a joke about all the hand sanitizers kill 99.9% of the germs finished the job. What did somebody have to leave early? So that's the basis of my job, right? And he gets on and he goes, Hey, thanks a lot, Bil for doing that 99.9% joke. So I'm gonna scratch that off my setlist and you go Okay, yeah, it's an easy joke. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. Nobody stole it. Nobody took it. It's just an easy tip. When you write a joke, that's just a joke. Like, anybody can do that. But like, if you're Richard Pryor, like, no one's doing his act, because no one can do that. When you just write a joke. You're so pleased with yourself. What will happen is someone else could have written that joke.

Jeff Dwoskin 32:59

Absolutely. I used to have it there's a there was a sign that said killer injure a worker $7500 You know, when you're Yeah, Brianna, great bit on that show. And but then, you know, everyone, you know, sometimes someone would go before me and they had a joke about this sign also, right? Can't get mad. Everyone's driving by the sign.

Bil Dwyer 33:19

Yeah, yeah. And we're comics. And I mean, there are those people who may steal your jokes. But again, a lot of times, yeah. Especially when it's a sign. Isn't that funny? Like, you know, you come up with you get it, you do a sign joke. You gotta you got to put a twist in it's got to be like, I do a joke. I like when I go into a small store. And they say, no receipt store credit only, which to me. It's just a message to shoplifters. Hey, you got us now pick out something you like. And I've never heard anybody do that joke. And I was like, Okay, that's good. Like, if I hear somebody do that joke, I might think they stole it from me. I think I might, I might think that they took it from me, because I've never heard it. But you know, I've heard I've heard other, you know, people do. I did a joke or I said, I've been sober, you know, 45 days and then not in a row. And it's like that is so hacky. That is so hacky. I I thought it was clever, but I was like, oh, and then I saw guys doing it. I was like, oh, okay, just like the old you know, make it a bomb out of anything. And then you reference MacGyver. I don't know if you ever did one of those. But I did one of those jokes. And when I was first starting out, and I was featuring, and the headliner took me sudden he's like, yeah, you're funny. He goes, you gotta lose some of that hacky stuff like that MacGyver joke. And I was like, what was it always works, you know, so I stopped doing it. And then 10 years later, what do I see? I see. screech doing the same premise and joke on on some show. And of course, you know, the rest of us had stopped doing it, but I don't think screech is a particularly talented stand up comic.

Jeff Dwoskin 35:08

I don't think anyone, anyone puts a bar and says I use good screech,

Bil Dwyer 35:12

you know, but they might say can you draw like screech? That was the thing I don't know. Like, I think for a while, people are going out to see screech because it was screech from Saved by the Bell and I guess people liked him as screech. I don't think people like too much after they saw him as screech after after after they saw him when he wasn't screech. I don't I don't think he was that likable. You know, I'm

Jeff Dwoskin 35:37

saying no, I think the rest of the cast hates him and Denise stabbed somebody. I'm pretty sure he stabbed someone. He went to jail, I think, Oh, really?

Bil Dwyer 35:45

He wasn't he didn't make any make a pornographic film. Also, I think he did save by the balls, something like that. Listen, I don't I don't know. I'm not a professional. When it comes to writing pornographic parody titles. Yeah, he was also trying to get people to send him money because I think he was. He was about to lose his house. They were foreclosing on him something like that. It just doesn't add up to a great life or a lot of good decisions. You know, I'm saying, you know what I'm saying,

Jeff Dwoskin 36:18

I know what you're saying. Yeah, he wrote a book as well. I think they made him one of those hallmark movies out of it. You know, when those horrible movies,

Bil Dwyer 36:25

did they? Oh, I'll watch that. No. Is it like, by the Saved by the Bell? Like Hallmark movie or the time? lifetime?

Jeff Dwoskin 36:33

It was a Lifetime movie? I think. Yeah. No, it was like, based on his book, like, behind the scenes, the real story?

Bil Dwyer 36:39

Oh, can you? We got to find that. What is that his kid? Who will send us that information? Oh, man, we got to find out what that's called.

Jeff Dwoskin 36:49

I'm writing it down. I'm gonna look I'm gonna find it.

Bil Dwyer 36:52

All right, you don't want me to start typing now either? Because that sounds No, no decent typist, back in the day when I was when you had to, you know, who knows, maybe I'll have to find a regular job again. I went to an employment agency. And they said, Alright, we'll get we'll give you a typing test. And I said, I, you know, I said, I'm like, I'm not really gonna, not gonna get a job where they need me to type, you know, I can I can type I'm fine. And, you know, I'm like, whatever, 30 words a minute, you know, and, and they go, well, it's mandatory, you got to take the typing test. So I'm taking the test, you know, I'm looking at the paper, and I'm taking the test. And I look at and I was like, oh, man, and I hand it to him. You know, one of my fingers was one off board. So and you know, when you when you take a typing test for every mistake, you know, that's one word off your time. so badly corrected it. And they go, Well, it looks like he typed seven words a minute. ago. Yeah. Well, I was off. My one finger was off, you know, and they go, Yeah. Do you want to do you want to take it again? I just it just said, Yeah, of course. I want to take it again. Yeah. I don't want people to look at this and go, how does someone typed seven words a minute, like you would have to? Like that would be more difficult than typing quickly. Like typing seven words. A minute would be so difficult. How would you do that?

Jeff Dwoskin 38:20

It's like Sarah, you? sloths? Jeff. sloths in the family.

Bil Dwyer 38:26

sloth blood in you, sir. Oh, man. Yeah. Do you want to take it again? Of course. seven words a minute. Yeah. And anyway, and then of course, you get a job and you you you are on a keyboard, but it doesn't really matter how quickly you type, you know, that sort of thing. So

Jeff Dwoskin 38:41

Oh, you know what, you know what I looked up before I was like, I remember we talked about this when we worked together but and and you're the only person that would even care about this Bil Dwyer that's dw why, folks, Jeff Dwoskin, d, w o s k i n word. There's only three core words in the entire English language to start with dw. There's 475 derivatives. It's dwarf dwell and dwindle. Really? And then there's, yeah, I kind of looked it up. And it was like, that's out of like, 273,000 words in the plane. Crazy, right?

Bil Dwyer 39:15

Wow, man. And you told me that I didn't even I don't even remember that. And yet, there's also named Dwayne, which is probably the only first name dw name.

Jeff Dwoskin 39:25

Yeah, I don't trust the Google that I google this hand but

Bil Dwyer 39:29

wow. Well, I mean, you could just go to a you just go to an encyclopedia and look up any dw words, but Oh, man, it's rare. That's my dwell dwarf and and dwindle. Wow. Door. I used to do a dwarf joke. And then I remember Jimmy Dore of old people. Not that not the most sensitive guy, but a friend of mine and I used to dwarf Tolkien. He goes way making fun of dwarfs and I don't know if I was making fun of them, but I was you know, making I was making fun of them. You know, I'm saying like, he was kind of mean Just talking about their heights, obviously. But I hear so many guys do dwarf jokes and it drives me crazy now, but he goes, uh, he was way making fun of them. It's not their fault. They were born that way. I was like, Okay, yeah, you have a point. And, and then I stopped doing my dwarf jokes also because I would ask, I would like ask, Hey, are there any dwarfs in the crowd? It's like, what are you a coward? You're not gonna do your dwarf bit your dwarf chunk. If there's dwarfs in the crowd.

Jeff Dwoskin 40:28

A God helped me that's a good sign that you shouldn't be doing it if you want to do a joke in front of the typewriter.

Bil Dwyer 40:35

Are there any women in the crowd?

Jeff Dwoskin 40:37

Hey, they wouldn't happen to be a Jew here. Jews? No.

Bil Dwyer 40:46

No, tell him I said this. But uh, I wish the people listening could see me looking around. Okay, everybody. There's there's that old joke, you know, how does every How does every racist joke start? And it's a white person looking around the room.

Jeff Dwoskin 41:05

Right? And every racist comment always says I'm not racist, but there are words that just shouldn't be used. There's no reason to why. If you're not, you're not gonna be that funny that it's worth hurting somebody. So why not? All right. couple questions. So you were in Last Comic Standing? How was it? Oh,

Bil Dwyer 41:19

actual questions. You

Jeff Dwoskin 41:20

want me to crash? I'm gonna ask if your questions are as we were a few questions. Last Comic Standing. What was that like?

Bil Dwyer 41:25

Well, you know, I wish I had gone further. I don't think my heart was in it. And I didn't play the game very well at all. Or else I could have gotten a couple of more rounds further than what I did. And then um, I will tell you this, it was a lot of fun. I didn't have a real problem with anybody. But I will tell you and i think i think of I think I've revealed this but Gabriel Iglesias was a master of, of espionage. In his Last Comic Standing. Like before we ever got on the ship. There was 20 of us in a hotel before they narrowed it down to 10. And what they did was they took they took all of our cell phones, you know, because they didn't want us calling anybody. They didn't want us telling anyone. Gilbert had his actual cell phone taped behind the toilet tank, and he gave them a burner cell phone so that he could actually call his girlfriend and then on top of that, because we weren't allowed to leave the hotel. So in order to leave the hotel, he made friends with the waitstaff and they told him where the service elevator was, and how to head on that down to the garage where his girlfriend would pick him up. And then he'd go get McDonald's Are you know, they go screw? Yeah. Oh, man. He was brilliant. I think they found that out. I think that's why that's probably I mean, I think that's why I got kicked off. That's why that's why he probably didn't win either. I mean, there are certainly a lot of people could have won that Josh blue won that year. And it was deserved. And he's gotten even better, which is good. But Chris Porter could have won Ty Barnett was funny. A lot of people were really good on that show. It was fun. It was a it was bad being on the Queen Mary, I'll tell you that. Because it seems like the other episodes, the other seasons of last Comic Standing, you know, they put you in a house, you run up and down, you go downstairs and go to new a yard. But on the Queen Mary, you could just be in like the you know, the state room like the common room. And then then you would have to ask if you could go back to your, your musty bedroom. Because it's a Queen Mary. I mean, it's got mold on it older than either of us combined. It's the Queen Mary. I don't think it was healthy at all, but it's still fun. But I wish I had I wish I had done better. You know, anytime you're judging comedy, or talent, saying, you know, who's funnier? Who's this? Who's that? You know, it's all it's all subjective. Look at all the people who didn't make it. You know, who are hilarious. Look at other people who haven't won the San Francisco comedy competition. Robin Williams tried a few times and never won the San Francisco comedy competition. It just goes to show you it's all subjective.

Jeff Dwoskin 44:17

All right, you are Hot in Cleveland, Valerie Bertinelli's ex husband. I was. She's adorable. Yeah. Oh, man.

Bil Dwyer 44:25

Yeah, because like, we're like the same age. Right? So when I would watch one day at a time you're like, Oh my god, Valerie Bertinelli so cute. So cute. So cute. So cute. Then as an older woman, so cute. So cute. So cute. I don't know how much she cared for me. Not that much. But uh, you know, she was nice. The other ladies were nicer to me. But she was the star. You know, she had a lot on her mind. You didn't have to treat uh, you didn't have to be like super nice to a guest star. But uh, she was fine. The thing about that series Is that what people forget is that as the ex husband, I was the linchpin. She was on the flight. She sees me. I'm not an alcoholic anymore. I'm sober. And all of a sudden she's attracted to me again. But then she sees that I'm engaged to a younger girl. So when the plane crash lands that crash, when the plane and emergency lands in Cleveland, she's like, well, I'm gonna stay here, because why would I? Just so my husband, so I am the linchpin? I am. I'm the reason for that show my character because when I was auditioning, I was like, What kind of name is Anders? They're like, Hey, you know, like in Norwegian, I was like, okay, okay. Yeah, Anders. And then I came back for a for another in season two, you know, like, which, which I kind of figured I would be you know, as the ex husband, you bring him back to see if there's got that you got to do that storyline. And like in the original and the original script read when we're sitting around doing the table read, there's a giant makeout scene with me and Valerie Bertinelli. And I was just like, oh, man, so cute. She's so cute. And then there's gonna be this giant makeout scene. And then after the table read they're like so great, everybody. What do you think she's like? No, I'm not sure about the makeout scene is like Okay, all right. That's fine. I don't need to make out with you. I don't need to make out with anybody I like to but I don't need to but yeah, that was she was again I'm really sad. And then you want to yell at her be an actress make out with me so close

Jeff Dwoskin 46:35

so close.

Bil Dwyer 46:36

good actress pretend like you're like me I'm doing so that was fun Wendy Malik way I just developed a huge crush on she was so nice. And so kind to me each time I was there. And then the second time the second episode I did not the pilot Tim Conway was in it and Carl Reiner so that was pretty cool to meet those guys. That whole cast I mean, they that was that was pretty magical. That show I mean they they wrote it. Well. Good jokes. Great cast. It was good. I was happy to be on a couple of them. I wish I had been on more but what are you gonna do?

Jeff Dwoskin 47:09

Hey, guy, take what you can get. Take what you get. It's very cool. Mather question the Larry Sanders Show. Oh, yeah.

Bil Dwyer 47:14

See, whenever I yeah, that was that was a gas to man. And again, everybody's so kind. And just to watch like Rip Torn and Jeffrey Tambor together so good. I mean, and also a Gary Shandling of course, is a great actor. But those two guys there was just you know, the levels. Big Gary is a great actor, but those guys took it to a separate place to a different place. So it is really something to be around them. Whenever I've done a show. Like I auditioned for the Larry Sanders Show and got it. And I got the call that I'd gotten it. So I see a neighbor of mine, and they go, Hey, how's it going? And I go great. I just, I just got a part on the Larry Sanders Show. And they saw, that's great. And then an hour later, I get a call from my agent. And he's like, ah, they want to see a few more people and they want you to come back in. They're not sure if you're right for the part. And I was just Ah, why did I tell my neighbor? Oh, no, no, I'm gonna lose it. And people are gonna think of just as crazy actor guy. And thank goodness, I was right for the part. And they did. They did keep me on so.

Jeff Dwoskin 48:22

Ah, thank you for sharing so many great stories with us. Where can people keep up with you on the social medias

Bil Dwyer 48:29

@bildwyer on Instagram and Twitter one L?

Jeff Dwoskin 48:32

Bil, Well, thank you so much for coming and hanging with me. I really appreciate it. You

Bil Dwyer 48:36

have the patience of a saint, my friend you really know to put up with me. I don't know you think people listen all the way through this. Listen, chop it down to three minutes, do whatever you need to do. entertaining, whatever you need to do. I could sign anything and you can chop the shit out of it. Whatever you like. I will see what

Jeff Dwoskin 48:56

alright man, thank you so much for joining me. All right. Well, that was Bil Dwyer, comedian and actor, funny funny guy. When it comes to your town. Definitely check him out at the comedy clubs. You won't regret it.

You know what else you won't regret downloading the hashtag roundup app and following @hashtagroundup on Twitter playing a hashtag games because you know what time it is. It's time for me to read the hashtag roundup trend of the week and if you play along, you might end up on a future episode of the Jeff Dwoskin show, fame and fortune meet those that are retweeted at Jeff Dwoskin show and listed in the show notes and become permanent history of the Jeff Dwoskin show podcast. Many people have gone on too much Twitter fame after being just play. It's fun @hashtagRoundup, and the hashtag that we chose today is #SecretsInSantasAutobiography. I chose it for two reasons First, so almost Christmas and two Bil Dwyer hosted a game show called I've got a secret, now granted we didn't talk about it in the interview but he still did it. So here we got to Omar just put together this hashtag is part of the weekly game. Hashtag your it. Find it on the hashtag roundup schedule. Are you ready? Are you ready?

Here we go. #SecretsInSantasAutobiography. Okay, now I gotta admit, these are all verified by TMZ. We would not put this out. We are not Fox News. We verified all these secrets in Sanchez autobiography, one he's lactose intolerant. That's right. Don't give him milk. Now if you have new carpet, keep him away from the milk. Number two, he frequently hooks up with girls on the naughty list. That's right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, number three. His favorite snack is venison makes sense, right. There used to be 15 deer. Now there's not huh? I say we launched an investigation number four. He first met Miss Claus at a strip club called the North Pole. Hmm, interesting. We should really look into this guy. Number five. He was the first person to say I'm going to Disney World. Someone was like, Hey, you just finished delivering all the presidents. What do you do? And he was like, I don't know. I think I'm gonna go to Disney World. They amped it up later. Number six. He refuses to allow the elves to unionize and is constantly advising Walmart and Amazon and how to crush the sense. This guy is a harsh businessman harsh businessman knows getting in on his gift given ways. Number seven litsen wants to write an Unauthorized Biography. And guess what happened to blitzing? That's right. We haven't heard from blitzing. So you don't walk around that North Pole and try and break the North Pole. nbas lesson learned number eight, he moonlights as the Great Pumpkin. That's how he makes all the money just prior to Christmas. Number nine, he was born Kris KringleStein. That's right. That's why it gives it a wink anytime he sees a menorah. And finally, number 10. Keep the milk and cookies to yourself because Santa wants a brewski and some nachos. That's right. And that's all the secrets in Santa's autobiography we're willing to share with you. You're gonna have to go by Santa's autobiography. I'm guessing it's available on Amazon, or wherever made up figures post their autobiographies, again, play along at hashtag Roundup. All these tweeters are going to be retweeted at Jeff Dwoskin show show him some love. Give him some love retweet, download hashtag Roundup.

Also, don't forget to check out our mailing list. Go to Jeffisfunny.com sign up for our mailing list so you can get fancy emails, when new episodes come out. Or when we're gonna do our live shows. Cool stuff like that. And also, don't forget, subscribe, like tell all your friends about the Jeff Dwoskin show. I can't thank you enough for coming week to week. This is the end of Episode 31 Can you believe it? 31 episodes you've been here the whole time. If not catch up. So then that will be true statement next time you listen to it. Anyway. Thanks again. And we'll see you next time.

Announcer 52:48

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Jeff Dwoskin show with your host Jeff Dwoskin. Now go repeat everything you heard and sound like a genius. catch us online at the Jeff Dwoskin show.com or follow us on Twitter at Jeff Dwoskin show and we'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai