#21 The Wit and Wisdom of Bobby Collins

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Jeff Dwoskin 0:18

All right, Frank,

thank you so much for that amazing introduction. I can't thank you enough. Episode 21 is just off to the best start ever, ever. The other one started great, but this one, it feels different. Just it's, it's amazing to me. There's something in there. Can you feel it? Can you feel it? I'm Jeff Dwoskin. I hope you can feel it is Episode 21. And 21. We got something special for you. Because now we can drink.

And now that we can drink we brought on Bobby Collins, famous comedian to chat with us and have a good time and spend our 21 with us. Why not? And now that we're all grown up, I want to do a shout out to where some of the myths and we be geeks, the podcast collective both now syndicating the Jeff Dwoskin show. Check them out. Very cool. And they've got a ton of great podcast today feature. So definitely head on over to realm of limits. And we be geeks podcast collective. I do appreciate everyone who listens every single person. I hope you've subscribed and likes and tell your friends all about the Jeff Dwoskin show. That's how we grow.

I've been busy hanging out on some other podcasts. Want you to check them out. Sal and Bob show too many podcasts. No man in the morning the pod guys podcast stuck in my mind. Adventures of albino radio screaming child show true fiction, three geeks, they were all kind enough to have me on their show. And I was talking comedy and in trends on Twitter and all that kind of good stuff. So check them out. I'll repost my interviews once they're live from those channels. And you can subscribe to them as well. podcasting is amazing. And I hope you're enjoying this podcast world we're all a part of now. Here's the crazy thing. I'm on amazon music now. All you have to do is say, hey, Alexa, play the Jeff Dwoskin show. Oh, I am playing the Jeff Dwoskin show the most recent episode blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That is the worst Alexa impression you'll ever hear. But it works just like that. It's so cool. I was really excited. And I'm telling everyone about it starting with you guys. Also follow us on Twitter at Jeff Dwoskin show, you can find us anywhere for podcasts. It's great stuff. Great stuff. Thanks, everyone for your constant support.

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And now it's time for a social media slash phone tip. All right, this is the ever important part of the show where I share something that I find interesting about my phone or social media. Last week, I was raving over the back tap love the back tap still love the back tap. But yeah, I forgot that there was one other really cool thing that I love in the new iOS is that if you have a message thread that you're constantly using, you can hold on it and pin it to the top so that the ones you always use they're always at the top. It's the greatest thing ever. Second to the back, tap back tap pin message. win the lottery. That's that's the main order. You can't win the lottery with your phone though. But that would be the third thing if it was a feature. So definitely enjoyed those things.

And now get ready to enjoy my conversation with Bobby Collins. All right, ladies and gentlemen, you may have seen him on Letterman. You may have seen him on The Tonight Show he was the host of stand up spotlight. He's toured with Frank Sinatra, Cher, Dolly Parton, Chris Rock, Ray Moran. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my guest Bobby Collins. Yeah.

Bobby Collins 4:58

You listen to you. You were in the middle of Jumanji, and Europa had given me an intro.

Jeff Dwoskin 5:06

I wrote a special for you. I'm like, I'm gonna write a chess like as if we were working together.

Bobby Collins 5:11

Where are you? Where are you located?

Jeff Dwoskin 5:13

Michigan, Detroit, Detroit mice. I

Bobby Collins 5:16

like to try it. I like that. I started going there years years ago. A comedy cast.

Jeff Dwoskin 5:21

Yep. Yep. Your comedy castle. We work together. You were my very first person I ever worked with like there was a big shot I guess. And like I was in 2002 it forgotten harvest comedy night. You were the headliner. And I was just a little nobody that I happen to be on the board. I forgotten harvest and they let me do five or something minutes. They put my name on the fire. Just my name, not my photo that your photo is on the flyer. But like, it was such a big deal for me.

Bobby Collins 5:54

Ah, that was nice. That was nice. Yeah, remember

those days with me? I same thing. You go kids growth means change, you'll change you'll grow, then you'll see your picture on everything.

Jeff Dwoskin 6:06

Exactly, exactly. I remember after the show, you went out there and you're like, you know, your hands up and you're waving everyone. You're smiling. And we came out there with you. And you look at me, you're smiling at them. And you had a big grant and you turn to Me and you go, here's some advice for you. Always get the check.

smiling and waving. always getting the check.

Bobby Collins 6:36

Show business.

Jeff Dwoskin 6:37

it's business. Yeah. Hey, gotta get paid. So that was a carry that with me forever. Thank you. So, Bobby Collins, yeah, you're one of the biggest names in comedy. So right. I mean, so how is this pandemic treating you yoga? I know, you're like, You're hilarious on Twitter, you're very pro mask, pro social distancing, and you're doing it in such a fun and clever way.

Bobby Collins 7:07

You know, we're sharing the planet with a lot of different types of people. And, you know, we got to start thinning out the herd. I never knew we would this dumb in this country. Do you know what I mean?

Jeff Dwoskin 7:21

I think they do. Yes, I do.

Bobby Collins 7:25

You know what I mean? And but oh my god, the gene pool could use some chlorine. I just I get the biggest kick out of it. Because I'm home. I'm in California. I haven't been off two weeks and 40 years.

Wow,

is that nuts? Now of six months. I don't know what to do. I was in my wife there the other day with some friends we rented to RVs to go camping. RV. Basically, it's a redneck vacation. And it was the worst thing. I never would do it again. Also, I would never do a zoom performance again. Oh my god all the time. We're riding in the truck and we're singing our song. You know, we're down this white trash. You know, and I had sex with squirrel. It's just crazy. It's

variance in my life.

Jeff Dwoskin 8:26

I have to ask was the squirrel wearing a mask?

Bobby Collins 8:31

You got? Well, she wasn't

Jeff Dwoskin 8:34

you gotta be you gotta you gotta you gotta be careful. You got to be careful

Bobby Collins 8:37

the mass that in our country, no leadership, civil unrest. Look at this. And we're comics. And we're supposed to take a look at this and relate it to the people you know? And I'm going oh my god, you know toilet papers, toilet paper all of a sudden. You know, it's toilet paper cure cancer. I see people going at a Costco with huge things of toilet paper. And I'm gone. Oh my god. I walked into a store. I didn't have a mask. I forgot it the card some lady sir. You can't come in. Like oh, I'm sorry. And I turned around and some lady she goes I have an extra one was a Kotex pad with a rubber band. I board I don't care. He just

Jeff Dwoskin 9:21

kind of gave me a safe yeah give us a

Bobby Collins 9:25

no I get the biggest kick out you got leadership in our country telling you to drink some bleach and put in an LED light up your ass. And people I wish do that. You know? You know when when you stupid you don't know you stupid other people feel the pain. You know? It's just, it's crazy. It's crazy.

Jeff Dwoskin 9:49

I hear you I can't it's hard to be on Facebook these days is with people that you thought you knew for decades and you're like, oh my god.

Bobby Collins 9:58

I know. I know. And then the ones that are doing it for money. Yes. Literally. Would it save me money by having this president as my leader? Yes. But on the whole picture of things no, we were country we got to give to each other. We got to help each other. We got to do the right thing. We got Oh my god, so I know guys would stupid money and they're talking money, money money. Oh, it's just amazing, isn't it? Yeah.

Jeff Dwoskin 10:27

Oh, yeah. Yeah, say, Oh, look at my new bathroom, I can afford to bad grandma's not here to enjoy it with me. The latest today is like they're like the CDC said, we're only 6% of the people that died actually only died from just COVID everyone else had something else. And as if like it horrible accelerant isn't bad, like, Oh, well, you know, it's just,

Bobby Collins 10:54

it's like, why would you send your kids to school now? Well, it's only 6% of what happens if it's your kid that died. You know what I mean? Hundred and 87,000 people have died. That's worse than World War One and World War Two. And with no leadership.

Jeff Dwoskin 11:13

And the people that people are just like, no, this is great. This is great. I know

Bobby Collins 11:18

that when Why should we wear a mask? Because you're helping other people know, social distance? No, I don't get it. I don't get

Jeff Dwoskin 11:28

I was interviewing someone. And I just I didn't know where they started talking about mass. And he's like, Look, you don't need to wear a mask. And the whole time I'm thinking to myself, because you know, comics, right? You have these conversations in the back of your head. And he's going on for five minutes about, oh, you could you wear a mask, I'm healthy. I'm not gonna wear a mask. And I'm thinking of myself. You got that completely backwards. And then I'm thinking if I can't edit this out, I can't even air this because I won't put something out. That goes for five minutes with someone saying, don't wear a mask, right? I'm like, I came again. And I don't even know if you knew maybe my face gave it away or something like that. I don't know, because you didn't return any of my emails after the show. And I was just like, Oh, god, I'm like,

Bobby Collins 12:15

you don't know you dumb. It's just crazy. You know? You know, ignorance can be educated, you know, crazy can be medicated. There's no excuse for stupid.

Jeff Dwoskin 12:31

And they think they're smart. That's the problem.

Bobby Collins 12:35

You know, in our country, the average grade level in our whole country is seventh grade level.

Jeff Dwoskin 12:42

Yeah, even I didn't even know was that I thought USA Today was like fifth grade or something.

Bobby Collins 12:49

It's scary. And people don't see the bigger picture. And it's, you know, I'm from New York, this President got 2% of the vote. So I get a kick out of that. People, though, you know, I was in New York recently, recently, six months ago. And a couple's looking at a map of Manhattan near my house. And I gave the guy a tap on the arm and I said we were you guys looking to go? He goes, are you from New York? I go. Yeah. What are you guys looking to go? Well, we've never been here before. And this is my wife's house. Shut the fuck up. Where do you want to go? We were thinking about going to Central Park 28 blocks straight ahead. You could take an Uber taxi, subway. I go. I know. He says to me, he goes, can I ask you something? I said, Sure. He goes, What do people here? Think of Donald Trump? I said, Keep your eyes and ears open that guy walking by within that tat shake case. A tie suit. I hit the guy on the arm. I go, Hey, pal, he goes, What you got? I go, what do you think of Donald Trump? Because he's a fucking asshole. And this couple was so amazed. You touched to hit somebody on the street and ask them about that. And they gave you an answer. I said to the guy Where you from? He goes, Indiana. I said, Go home. Just got you got.

You got the truth.

Jeff Dwoskin 14:19

Man. I was with my dad and step mom. May they both rest in peace a little bit ago in New York, and we went to the Statue of Liberty together. Okay. And they were there and they were trumpers. So you can imagine it was it was hard for me. It was hard for me. It was really hard for me. Like, and we're the Statue of Liberty. And my step mom says to my dad, I can't believe Obama has never been here. And then my dad turns around and says yeah, such a shame. Such a shame. Like what? She just made that up and then you just accepted it as fact. I mean, this is what this is what we're dealing with. This is like the kind of mentality is Fox News. It's like it's just insane it's insane.

Bobby Collins 15:08

I don't get it. I just, you know, I we have to make fun of it. You know what's next? You know an asteroid crashing into the What's next?

Jeff Dwoskin 15:19

I hope an asteroid crashes. relief, a lot of stress.

Bobby Collins 15:24

I know, guys administration looks like the de Roman One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, you know, and the people around them we represent the lollipop do the lollipop kill. More people have been people have been indicted with the president and people are you people nuts? This guy's a con artist. He's a big con. Everybody knows it. Especially in New York. We all know we laugh.

Jeff Dwoskin 15:52

I know he had to move to Florida.

Bobby Collins 15:54

reality TV show with now he's working on the mail for people you know, they're gonna they're gonna rig the mail. You know, it's all gonna get rigged. you morons.

Jeff Dwoskin 16:05

I hate the mail doesn't work. Yeah, because you just broke it. You went out of your way to break it. It's like you can't you can't if you can create your own reality then. Yes, it is real.

Bobby Collins 16:18

I don't. I don't get it. I don't get it. But I'm home for six months and ready to kill myself. I learned a lot. My wife's Italian. She from Italy so she knows how to fix things. I'm from New York. We call the super. I don't know how to fix the damn thing. The other day she's doing Bobby Henry the Philip. I go who's Phil? She don't know shit. It's a screwdriver. I go Okay, how about Benny the hammer and Susie the nail? What are you talking about? It's a

Jeff Dwoskin 16:49

No, no, I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm Jewish. I can't fix a thing I have to every time I every time I pick up something. I'm like, in my head. I go lefty loosey. Like, every time it's like, my wife wishes like I could do something something. I can do basic things even like putting together and IKEA pushes us to the brink of divorce. Oh,

Bobby Collins 17:13

I can't do any of that stuff. Matter of fact, I was I was reminded when remember walking around my my apartment in New York. And there's a lingerie store Jeff, and you walk by and you look at the set, you know the models, and they're all wearing like those little skimpy that garter belts and they got the panties that you could see through in the bra. And you're gone. I went to bed with the wife the other night she had double flannel pajamas on a knapsack and boots. She goes Bobby I get cold now I got what happened to us what up?

Jeff Dwoskin 17:56

Hey, you know, it starts out good. But then it's the test. It's a test. It's like, What do you want? Do you want something different and give up half your stuff? Or you want to just stick with what you guys

Bobby Collins 18:10

got pressing the reset button? You know that?

Jeff Dwoskin 18:14

Yeah. Um, but I've enjoyed I've enjoyed I you know, just staying home the way it was it we had extra time with the kids. But when I came home, I filled up my tank my gas tank two weeks ago for the first time since March. Really? Oh my god. Yeah, I mean, the amount of money not going out to eat the lunch every day. And all this is like it's a it's definitely you realize how much money you just spend on

Bobby Collins 18:41

stuff. We're not working at all right.

Jeff Dwoskin 18:45

Now I have a day job. I have like a day job. So I'm not like a five was not a full time comedy. like, yo, so. But yeah, so you know, and then you know, I do this podcast, you know, that's where I make all the real money. Huh? Oh, yeah. So you know, in between begging my friends and family to listen. It's full time job.

Bobby Collins 19:10

My redneck vacation. You ever see those trails? Will you see him in Michigan? And over the windshield? That part of the trailer that comes out? That's Yes. That's the bed. That's the bed that you sleep it. I would rather sleep in knapsack. I would rather sleep with a sleeping bag on a New York City subway with a lighter, it would have been more comfortable. That's how crazy I was thinking about that this morning. Oh my god.

Jeff Dwoskin 19:40

You didn't go prepared. You got to bring lots of lots of sleeping bags and extra by adding

Bobby Collins 19:47

work and too much hassles and fires were everywhere. We went to sand. Santa Cruz and there was fires everywhere and smell of smoke and I'm going okay, this is it. Going out.

Jeff Dwoskin 20:01

Let's get it. Well, I we went up north, we went to like Mackinac Island, and we did some stuff. But in sand dunes, we have sand dunes. Just lots of sand. That's nice. Yeah. So,

Bobby Collins 20:14

you know, excuse me, you're living good.

Jeff Dwoskin 20:17

Well, you know, you know, you can't run around sand. What What can you do? The It is one of the most beautiful places in the world, though. At least United States so, so that's cool. But we had to get out of the house. It's like, how much can you just stay in? That's, you know,

Bobby Collins 20:35

I'm at that point now. Like, my wife says, you can go to New York. You know, I'm here in California in Santa Monica, but I'd love to go to New York. Love to

Jeff Dwoskin 20:47

I love it. We that's where we normally go for like our anniversary. We love going there. Yeah, love Katz's deli, which is probably a huge, yeah, this is where they film When Harry Met Sally. It is really good food. Yeah, I mean, I you know, I mean for a $50 sandwich. I mean, it's like you can't you can't get a better $50 sandwich anywhere. And like the little sign that says this is where Sally did the fake orgasm, right?

Bobby Collins 21:16

Is there really a sign there now?

Jeff Dwoskin 21:18

Yeah, it hangs from like the ceiling. And so the I remember eating the year in line and they just start handing you pastrami. And like, I had never had astronomy like good astronomy, apparently. Because I didn't even realize pastrami was corned beef, which is weird, right? Because it only had this shitty the shitty stuff on the trays. And it was this like, I was like, what this is like, amazing. Like, this is the same thing as corned beef. Oh, yeah. Just you know, whatever cooked ever. I'm like, I never knew this. How did I know? This? I mean, I grew up in Delhi, right? I mean, it's like, Jewish ga blocks in Delhi. I mean, that's pretty much it, right? I mean, in Brisbane,

Bobby Collins 21:54

last year, I went to Israel, I was invited to Israel to do eight theaters. And I really didn't want to go but by Why do you want to go to the Middle East? She goes, let's go. And we went. And I gotta tell you, I did have a good time. But I learned a lot. You know, everyone then thought I was Jewish, because I was from New York. You know, Baroque? I thought no, I hate Calum picks tu tu tu and Keller a new, you know, and, boy, that Tel Aviv was amazing to me. Amazing. Have you ever been there?

Jeff Dwoskin 22:32

I've been Israel a few times. Yeah, I could see or you could definitely pass you as a Jew if you

Bobby Collins 22:40

itself now.

Jeff Dwoskin 22:42

Whether to Jerusalem and Tel Aviv are different vibes. Tel Aviv is like New York. It's the city. Jerusalem is a page out of the Bible.

Bobby Collins 22:51

Bang. Everyone's got a gun. After a show. Some old lady came over to me. She goes but Mr. Collins, can I get your autograph? And I said I'm sorry. I don't have a pet. She lifted her up or at a gun a gun? She was 76 she had a gun

Jeff Dwoskin 23:09

but she in the army where she and everyone there is in the army. Everybody's got

Bobby Collins 23:13

a gun.

Jeff Dwoskin 23:14

But yeah, but But did you ever feel any any safer anywhere else? Like I that's how I always felt like as much as like everything is like crazy and things every with the army and everything there it's like I never felt safer. I mean it's so it's you know it's it's a good place it's a fascinating place I for any religion. It really

Bobby Collins 23:34

was. It really was we love it. We I go back to Tel Aviv, there is too much anger and people everyone's with guns. The Jews hate the Palestinians. Palestinians hate the Jews, the Muslims they like oh my god.

Jeff Dwoskin 23:51

There's a little little strife there. Yeah. Little Thing. They have some issues they're working out but but aside from that, so the big question is if you're in Israel, did you go shwarma or falafel? Which is a lawful lava. Okay,

Bobby Collins 24:06

yeah. shwarma I had that in Vietnam on my leg and I didn't I don't know what shwarma is.

Jeff Dwoskin 24:12

sworn. It's chicken, is it? It's one of the audit. I was I was a falafel guy. And then I switched shwarma later in life,

Bobby Collins 24:20

that means your wife's not Jewish.

Jeff Dwoskin 24:22

No, she is. She's

Bobby Collins 24:29

the Fridays called that they don't go out What is it, Sabbath? No, they call it Shabbat. Shabbat.

Jeff Dwoskin 24:36

Did you go to the wall? Did you do like any of the tours?

Bobby Collins 24:39

all we did is supplied us with a guide, you know, government guide and they took us around and a lot of it was boring. And you know, you could have made things up again. I'm from New York. This is where Jesus where they nailed him on the cross. It could have been in your backyard. They just made a really long Have people you know, men are up here women are down here. I remember them saying to me the first night the first theater I did they said to me, the two rabbis Mr. Collins, please no reference to a woman's menstrual cycle. Please do not talk about that as in that that data. And after 20 minutes I looked into my says, You know, I come from that whole adage you buy the painting you don't tell the artist how to draw. So I went up there that first night and I looked at the audience they applauded I went have a fun car yet because they didn't want me swearing or anything. saw them in the front row. They were like, guy then after that show, they go do whatever you want. They all like you do it. Me. I said thank you.

Jeff Dwoskin 25:50

It was it. Was it an orthodox crew that you're doing?

Bobby Collins 25:55

So I think they were you know, but you know, I didn't get involved in that. I just I'm a comic we have fun we have no wall we talk

Jeff Dwoskin 26:05

right there's nothing where is it when you go on stage like hey, Tony town a bit or be more I was when I was going on stage was there like be more peppy? Like, thanks. It doesn't fuck with my head. Right as I'm walking on stage. I appreciate that so much so much. Thank you.

Bobby Collins 26:21

Comics asked me They said, Bobby, do you ever talk politics? I'm a comic. Of course I do. You know, there's no rules. No rules for what we do. That's what we do.

Jeff Dwoskin 26:34

That's what we do. Yeah. And then, did you see they broke Jim gaffigan.

Bobby Collins 26:39

I know. I heard I heard.

Ah, well, Midwest Miss. Where's he from?

Jeff Dwoskin 26:46

I'm not sure but he's is he ever they definitely broken? I heard about.

Bobby Collins 26:52

You know, I was at me and Celine Dion. We performed at the White House at Trump's inauguration. And I still get calls about that people have different TVs different. Newspapers asked me about it. And they go, do you? Are you afraid? I go, it's a business. I go. It's a show business. I know, you know, it's people. Money doesn't discriminate people do. You know, I do it for a job. I've known Donald Trump for 23 years. And I performed at Mar a Lago not too long after that. And I remember him asking me after the show. My wife Bobby, don't do any your political stuff. That's the president. I go, honey, stop it. I walked out on the stage. I go, ladies and gentlemen, our new president is here and they went nuts. And I looked at him and I went, I guess Orange is the New Black. And after the show, he came over he goes, Bobby, good show. I said thank you, Mr. President. And he said, Can I ask you something? Sure. He goes, did you vote for me? I looked at him. I said I would have rather voted for El Chapo

boys laughed. He didn't laugh.

Jeff Dwoskin 28:11

No, no. He doesn't seem to have his skin. thick skin. Oh, he's

Bobby Collins 28:16

the kid you grew up with that he didn't. When you were playing in the basketball, he didn't get chosen and he take his ball and go home. We kick it as far as we can say, take a walk out. Don't fucking come back.

Jeff Dwoskin 28:31

But it must have been cool being at the White House is that we were there before too. Was that. Obama for Obama? Okay. You go. Did you before you perform you just you? Were you part of a show?

Bobby Collins 28:45

perform?

Jeff Dwoskin 28:46

Is it a party just was it all you or was it just part of a bigger show? Or what was that show? And

Bobby Collins 28:51

I was just a comic on it. There was another no other comics that is singer and me and I was just you know, you get it. It's a corporate gig. You just take the money. Take the money, take the money. People look at it like oh, my God, you've you've performed it. The White is Yeah, yeah. I've also done a lot of corporate gigs. And I've also done theatres and comedy clubs and like, Whatever it takes,

Jeff Dwoskin 29:19

get paid. You gotta pay the bills. gotta pay the bills.

Bobby Collins 29:22

Thank you and have fun. Yeah, do it.

Jeff Dwoskin 29:27

But it's cool. The White House is pretty cool. I haven't I haven't been asked yet. One day, one day and I'll get I'll get the call. I don't think Donald Trump's gonna. If he hasn't blocked me on Twitter. I

Bobby Collins 29:42

Oh, my God. It's funny. Because here in Santa Monica. They had a lot of member they had those demonstrations and looting. And you would think after five days of seeing it on television, that the local Santa Monica police they're not that high up on brain mountain out here. It's coming Finding the white privilege. And you would have thought they said to a woman, there's 1000 people marching over there, four blocks away, and there's about 35 of them looting two blocks away. You think maybe you should think some of the cops they just they don't? They don't

Jeff Dwoskin 30:23

know. No, it's it's a crazy world we live in. And it's hard to because it's so decisive. I mean, you talk to people it's like it's not even like a conversation it's like you're on one side I'm on the other side and if you're not on the same side, it's like

Bobby Collins 30:39

what happened between right and wrong the constitution we the people give when no expectation of receiving do the right thing. You know, whatever happened all the things we were brought up with,

Jeff Dwoskin 30:51

ah, all out the window.

Bobby Collins 30:54

Right Now. Now. Now it's greed. It's a color of your skin it's so funny because the guys that grew up with called me up my friend black guys, we were all grew up together and we were laughing because we knew the cops treated us like shit the chumps the cops used to beat the hell out of us you know? And these were all the cops were all the guys that were in high school that didn't fit in they weren't popular they were they were out you know, they were they all became those are the guys that became the cops now they got a uniform in a gun. And you'll look at those people somebody asked me the other day, but what percentage do you think 90% of the cops that are police are racist I go No, I'd say about 75% I go don't read the fundam reform reform the damn car you know and we were laughing about it me and my black friends because I get dark during the summer and we would always crack up because a Bobby you remember we and one of our guys left New York and went down to Florida and became like a big wig in the police you know like Assistant Chief or something and he we were talking to him and he goes nothing's kind of changed the union's cover everything they cover their asses for everyone you know the two ones that you'll hear about shot seven bullets when I was putting it on the neck those are the guys will get but they'll draw it out and they'll get like sentences and stuff it's true the way it is

Jeff Dwoskin 32:32

it's scary it's scary I mean I didn't

Bobby Collins 32:34

even go out time for it to change it is scary very scary

Jeff Dwoskin 32:39

very so I that was pretty deep the SEC is a the whole time thing I myself thank god I've been Israel's I get asked you questions about the random country in the Middle East you've been

Bobby Collins 32:56

different countries.

Remember guy guy that has like the tonight show? He's got a show like the tonight show. He's a comic and he's trying to get known over here and he met me and he said Would you ever consider coming to Bangladesh and I said I don't even know where it is on a map but I went and had a bowl edible

Jeff Dwoskin 33:23

I've yet to be getting these these invitations but hopefully soon I'm hoping this this podcast right here is is gonna have a baby. Jeff it We heard you on the Jeff Dwoskin show.

Man so all right, so give me a give me I would love to hear that good. Just a crazy story like nine comedian like Cher Frank Sinatra or something like that. Do you got What was that? Like? I mean, these are you've you've toured with some big names?

Bobby Collins 33:57

Well, I remember all of them had a story. Julio was fun. Julio was a lot of fun. He's a wild man. Sinatra. I was opening for share. I was that catch a rising star in New York City. And I came off the stage and some older guy came he handed me a card. And he said here, could you give this to your agent and have them call me? And I said You mean my parents? And I said, Sure. Okay. I called up a guy that was interested in me Steve Levine from ICM I handed them I told him the guy he goes Bobby, do you know who that is? I go know an old guy. He goes, That's Cher Frank Sinatra's management. I go You kidding. And next thing you know, I was on an 82 city tour with Cher. Remember, I was only used to comedy clubs at that point. So I learned a lot. I learned a hell of a lot. And I remember the first night opening for share was an outdoor thing wasn't even a night. It was an afternoon around Three show was supposed to be at two. She shows up late. I'm sitting there with a sports jacket on waiting. And then they said, Okay, go out and do 25 minutes. These people were hanging from trees about 30,000 roll over, and go and share share. We weren't jet and then they go Ladies and gentlemen, please blood from the comedic talents of Bobby Collins. I've never heard so many boos Jeff in my life. I mean, I walked out, they were booing and they, you know, she was like, I was like, ah, and I looked at him after five minutes of trying to perform and I said, Look, I gotta be out here for 20 more minutes. We could have fun, or we could just hit each other. And after 20 minutes, I have to few minutes I got him. So at the end, they would share and it felt great, but I got off that stage Jeff. Besides having my armpits wet the sides of my underwear when I sweat, I sweat it's so bad. And then one day, they asked me because his opening act Sinatra got sick and they asked me would you go over to Salt Lake City in open Frank Sinatra for two weeks? I go how many shows is and they said six. I go How much? And they told me and I said sure. And I flew over there and they picked me up Jilly is big guy is six eight guy don't Don't call him Frank. It's Mr. Sinatra. Don't speak to him until he speaks to you. All as you know, all the people in the back room. I go in there answering phones. They're all named after parts of the body. Bobby, this is Tony Dion. This is Stevie delight. And I'm I'm working Mr. leg. Nice speed. Yeah, how you doing this to arm I don't care. And I remember that phone rang and he was sitting there and he picked it up. They all look like he never picked up the phone before. And I looked up at him. I'm sitting pretty close to him. And I hear the guy on the phone. Can we have the sub stock the opening act? Come down for a soundcheck. And he goes he's a comedian. Just put the fucking sound on. And he goes, you're okay with that. No problem. Yeah, sure. No problem.

Jeff Dwoskin 37:21

Yes, Mr. Sinatra? Yes.

Bobby Collins 37:23

Then after the show that night, jillee. His guy came up to the dressing room. I stayed out watch for about 15 minutes because I wanted to see what it was like. And then I went up to change and his guy came up. And he goes, Hey, the bullets really enjoyed your show. We'd like you to have dinner with us tonight in Chicago. I go, I'm gonna go to a local comedy club because I'd never been in Salt Lake City. And I go, I'll probably do a guest set. And I'll fly over there. Tomorrow. He goes, maybe maybe you didn't hear me. I go. Okay, no problem. Sure. Let's go. And one o'clock in the morning or at the pump room in Chicago. I'm sitting there. 10 people. And all of a sudden, Don Rickles walks in. He leans over to me. He goes, Hey, kid, he really liked your show. I go Thank you. Thank you very much. And then we had dinner and I'm like, oh my god. Oh my god, and they would tip in these waiters who stuck around more money than I was making. That's incredible. Sorry, great road stories. That is awesome. I got a chapter in the book. One of my chapters is great road stories. From on the road.

Jeff Dwoskin 38:36

Is your book on the inside.

Bobby Collins 38:38

Now this is a new one.

Jeff Dwoskin 38:39

Okay, so you're writing a new book?

Bobby Collins 38:41

I'm writing it as I'm home six months.

Jeff Dwoskin 38:44

Okay, I'm gonna I'll buy that book.

Bobby Collins 38:48

It's the inspiration that I'm missing that stories about Dolly share. And Julio, and you know, it was funny.

Jeff Dwoskin 38:56

Well, hopefully this this will spark some stuff for you know, I hope I know well with

Bobby Collins 39:01

you. Of course it will work

Jeff Dwoskin 39:05

with you. Is your first your first book, how's that doing? You still

Bobby Collins 39:10

sold over 100,000 copies, you know what it is, but again, we have you have an advantage because when I perform, they set it up part of the deal is they have to set it up after the show and I'll sign and people get. I've noticed from doing that for a couple of years now. People feel really they identify with you one you're a comic and you're talking from the your truth. You're holding up a mirror showing people yourself to them and they're relating to it and feel like I know this guy. I feel like I grew up with this guy and then afterwards, you're talking with him one on one and signing something for him. And they it goes to a good cause I have a special needs daughter. And I'd say 99% of the money goes to her Camp xeno Mountain Farm

Jeff Dwoskin 40:00

That is great. That is your heart a heart of gold copy.

Bobby Collins 40:03

Yeah. But next month so

Jeff Dwoskin 40:06

all right. Well, everyone go buy Bobby's book. We gotta keep, we got to save hashtag

Bobby Collins 40:12

Bobby collins.com, the name of the book on the inside Wit and Wisdom isms, all the lessons I've learned.

Jeff Dwoskin 40:19

Right? And then that's funny. That's how I started the show with one of the lessons you taught me.

Bobby Collins 40:25

I learned one, pass it on. That's what you were supposed to do, isn't it?

Jeff Dwoskin 40:29

Yeah, I remember, like, I had like this one show. And I could only do at this point in my career, 15 minutes, maybe. And they said, it's 15 minutes. I said, Okay, great. And so I get there, and they're like, okay, you're up. 30 minutes. 30 minutes? Well, 30 minutes would be like everything I ever wrote, which, you know, that doesn't mean good. That just means I wrote it. Right. Right. So I get up there. And like, my brain, my mind is immediately messed up, because I don't even know what's going to happen. Right. And he also had just mentioned, no one's ever done bad at these shows. So we're excited. And it was, and like, I was, I think I ate it from the get go. It was horrible, like, horrible. Like, nobody would look at me after. And I had to, like, I hadn't gotten paid yet. And I remember your words. Get the check. Just got to do it. Because I wanted to just leave I didn't. Like I'm like, okay, I can justify just not getting paid for this. Goodbye.

Bobby Collins 41:29

And we've all been there.

Jeff Dwoskin 41:31

Yeah, I can I can vouch for the wisdom of Bobby Collins that can get you through so I can only imagine the treasure in the book. Everyone get the book,

Bobby Collins 41:40

read stuff. It's good lessons. I've learned the cream rises to the top ship floats for a while then it sinks. God first family second career third, put one ahead of the other you always got to get back on where you got off. You know, I've had so many and I give examples of it. Things like that. You know, that's great.

Jeff Dwoskin 41:59

I love it. It's all simple. It's all simple, simple, simple, but some of it but someone's got to say it. So I gotta say it in the right way

Bobby Collins 42:07

around poured it out in the right way. It comes back to you the right way. Put it out there wrong. It's gonna bite you in the air.

Jeff Dwoskin 42:14

You speak the truth. You got to kill you got a killer smile. It just it just it has the trust. It has the trust right there.

It's true. I speak the truth. Yeah, I'm gonna write a book stuff I learned from Bobby.

Bobby Collins 42:31

This is why right there on the Coronavirus. Oh,

Jeff Dwoskin 42:38

man, that's funny. So how long did you did you host stand up spotlights? I think that's how I remember you from way back. You know, like yours. Matter of fact,

Bobby Collins 42:48

Rosie had it. And remember Rosie had it. Yeah, Rosie. She went on to do some movies. Remember? Well, League of our own?

Jeff Dwoskin 42:58

Yep. Yep. With Madonna and Gina Davis.

Bobby Collins 43:02

Yeah. And one day I was watching television Not long after that. And she was on some show. And somebody said to me, what are you going to do with the show that you're on with all the flashlights, you know, via one stand up spotlight. She goes and unbeknownst to me, she goes, Oh, I'm going over to Bobby Collins. And no one ever spoke to me. Then my phone started ringing and one of the guys from VH one I guess the cats out of the bag. Let's start negotiations

Jeff Dwoskin 43:35

to visit.

Bobby Collins 43:37

I loved it. It really helped my career. And then in the middle of doing this, they asked me to do commercials and I did a bunch of commercials for certs and cert and then they called me when I did about four or five commercials from certs and they said Do you mind if we say certs presents comedian Bobby Collins. I said I paid to do that

fabulous do you do you know

Jeff Dwoskin 44:03

Yeah, no, that's I remember that I remember it I visited like a vision in my head and Bobby Collins rose

Bobby Collins 44:10

it out of that performance wants you to open forum and my attitude was I rather have you open for me. I just want to have fun I don't you know you're the opening act for this one. You're the okay it's the business just keep keep it coming. Keep it coming. And I've worked hard and I I like different situations I was placed in you know and I was like okay, this is wild. This is nice. I still love my basic theaters I love it is I like American theater. Can't be the theater Bobby

llama road again on the road. Okay.

Jeff Dwoskin 44:56

So it Do you like living in LA versus New York.

Bobby Collins 45:00

You know, when I lived in New York, and I went out to Long Island to have fun or go visit or stay out there, that was like going to the country. So California to me is like, going to the country. But the people here, there. My wife loves California. I'm not. I'm not that big on it. They're they're not that bright. You know, when I was in New York, if anyone drove back, we always assumed they were jersey drivers out here. California drivers are the worst drivers on the planet. They just they don't get it. They have car chases all the time. Do you have car chases in Michigan?

Jeff Dwoskin 45:47

Now that I'm aware of No.

Bobby Collins 45:50

Friend of mine was in from New York or watching television. And all of a sudden they break into a car chase 10 cop cars chasing one guy going 90 100 miles an hour down the highway? And my friend said to me, Bobby, what's this? I said, watch. It's on every chain. He goes, why do they do this? I go, I have nothing else to do. He goes, when do they kill him? I go, they don't. They just follow them. Every once in a while they bump them New York to blocks.

Got the right to remain silent. It's very different world out here.

You know, here, it's very Mexican. I grew up with Puerto Ricans, blacks, you know, Arabs, we grew up together on the subways, we all looked out for each other. We all went to school to get here. They are very racist. You know, it's it's not a nice thing to see. For me. I don't like seeing that. You know, so this whole Black Lives Matter and all this coming back. It's about time. You know, it's I kind of like it for these white privilege communities to open up and take a look. So

Jeff Dwoskin 46:55

you know, we'll see where it ends up. It's It's a crazy world we live in. We got to get to take care of each other. We got to take care of each other. Oh, man, this is fun, but I can't thank you enough for hanging out with me and doing my podcast. This is so

Bobby Collins 47:09

cool. It was fun. Yeah, you're good guy. You're funny, man.

Jeff Dwoskin 47:13

You're funny, man. This is. This is great. I know. I really appreciate it. And everyone should go to Bobby collins.com Check out his book on the inside. He's got six comedy albums you can buy you can just I just I'm sure his address. He just sent a movie. He hasn't worked in six months, folks. Send the money. Buy his book, buy his book. It's like you're like you're like all this stuff. Anyway, I haven't made my friend. Well, thank you for being here. I can't thank you enough. It's an honor to have you on my show. Oh, right. How fun was that? Bobby's amazing. Check out his book. Those stories were incredible. I just can't wait for his new book. And if he comes to your town once the pandemic clears up and comedy clubs are open again. Definitely make time to see Bobby Collins live. It's worth every second of your time. All right, let's jump to the trending hashtag featured from hashtag roundup this week. From blondies brain a weekly game we have hashtag was a camping fail. That's an homage to Bobby's our V experiences. All the tweets I'm gonna read are going to be retweeted at Jeff Dwoskin show on Twitter will also be in the show notes. So follow those funny tweeters and also follow hashtag roundup at hashtag roundup and get in on the games and you can be featured on a future episode of the Jeff Dwoskin show. Okay, here we go hashtag was a camping fail using mosquito attractant total fail and it's an easy mistake because it's right next to the repellent whenever you're at the Home Depot or or drugstore so you gotta be careful Don't grab the attracted. Here's another hashtag was a camping failed going camping at Camp Crystal Lake. Yes, be careful especially if that counselor Jason I don't think he wants to play hockey with you. Another camping fail. peeing on poison oak says Don't be on the poison oak. Another one hashtag was a camping fail free Wi Fi provided by the forest. They always had the worst Wi Fi even that's why they give you the password they gave you the passer but the Why? Why vine abhors is always the worst going camping and hurricane season camping fail. Hit by that tent beans. Definitely the canned beans was a hashtag camping fail. Yes, definitely don't get into that and you got a whole Blazing Saddles thing going on? expecting the poisonous stuff to tell you it's poisonous. It doesn't tell you it's poisonous till after even if you pee on it first, even if you piano first. All right. Those are some amazing Hash tag why is that camping fail? Again jump in have fun with us on Twitter. All right, well that's the end of Episode 21 I can't believe it's over already. I'm gonna miss you guys but I'll see you next week. If you need more Jeff Dwoskin check out the Jeff Dwoskin show everywhere podcasts are, listen know the episodes every story is unique and fun and all there for you to enjoy at Jeff Dwoskin show. Jeff Dwoskin show comm check it out. And we'll see you next week.

Announcer 50:32

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Jeff Dwoskin show with your host Jeff Dwoskin. Now go repeat everything you've heard and sound like a genius catch us online at the Jeff Dwoskin show.com or follow us on Twitter at Jeff Dwoskin show and we'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai